May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings?

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

Week 5: May 6, 2008 Tuesday — A great news day! Preceded by Monday which were more challenging.

The road block on my “interior journey” … the one question everyone asks me at every screening is how my relationship is with my mother. The real honest answer is “I don’t know” and “it’s my fault because I want to reach out and I’m afraid of rejection.”

I never gave the honest answer because I honestly didn’t know it until yesterday when I saw her. I met with my biological mom yesterday. I had to get something off my chest. I needed to tell her that I appreciated that she was not a drug addict, and she didn’t beat us. I told her that I thought her being good with us as babies is what gave us a chance. Me, my baby brothers, my older sisters, we are all human. We have our challenges of course, but we also have mental capacity and a ton of potential.

The recognition that my mom deserved some credit came after my baby bro took home the first prize in the Fresno State business plan competition on May 3rd!!! I’m so proud of him, and our older sister who is on his 3 person team. I have always seen something great in my baby brother, and my other siblings, they’re talented! We all have POTENTIAL to meet just about any challenge we are faced with. We have tenacity and we have smarts. I want to be proud of that and I want my mom to be proud of the fact that she left that potential in tact. She may have left me when I was 12, but for some reason her loving me from 0-3 made the most impact on me in my 3-0’s.

So I drove to Coalinga yesterday and I thanked her for giving me a chance to be great.

I even went a little further. I told her I would be here for her. That it mattered to me that she was around for a long time, and I said I thought I owed her something for the chance she gave us all in life. And that was just Monday!

So moving on to the exterior road block: I’m at risk of being marginalized, pushed out, or cast aside for demanding too much…

After “The Hacienda” issue and realizing the shambles the city is in, and has been in, I was feeling like I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I wasn’t sure if I was cutout for it, but then I thought again. What I was really faced with was that I was not popular anymore. I was losing friends in Fresno. Not that they won’t come and go, but people started questioning my intentions. I was being marginalized, then yesterday (before I drove to Coalinga) I met Sheri. I had heard from Sheri a week earlier, and it turned out that we were both waiting to meet each other for many years. I am so relieved to know that the region has more than one champion who recognizes and will fight the good fight.

Now that the interior and exterior road blocks have been recognized, I think I have a better chance at getting past them. I also think that good things (gifts) have a greater chance of getting in. The gifts didn’t take long, they came today!

The first gift was when I received a message from Mandi Perkins who wrote On My Own (Carissa’s Song), which is available now on iTunes. Well, Mandi is releasing her first album soon & is going to promote the song & the cause with BIG help!!! That message was a huge gift. Then just now I received an email from David, the filmmaker. It was a mass email to “Friends of the Film” to announce the documentary’s first big award: Best Short Documentary at the Newport Film Festival!!! It was announced today in the OC Register:
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/best-outstanding-festival-2032909-film-achievement

All this great news makes me want to let go of more garbage and become a bigger better person again and again!!!

************************************************************************************************************

For local supporters…hope to see you on Thursday night! Valley Teen Ranch has some great news too. They are moving forward with an organic farm. The boys will be able to learn about organic gardening, they’ll eat organic, and they’ll learn all about a viable business.

Be sure to call ahead to reserve your seats and if you can’t make it you can definitely call in to pledge your support for the ranch and the organic farm! http://www.valleyteenranch.org/

Week 4: Tuesday — I’m just about feeling better.

I’ve been sick for too long! It turns out that the cold, or flu, or whatever I had turned into a sinus infection, and then I realized when my head was throbbing that I actually have allergies! What a mess. Long story short, I had to go to LA to take a breath of “fresh” air. I just wasn’t breathing here in the valley. It’s a new experience for me and I hope it won’t take too long to get used to it again.

Well besides starting to feel better, I’m also feeling absolutely terrific about having the documentary in the Fresno Film Festival. It was a good turnout, and I loved getting the local feedback, including “best documentary” award. My favorite comment of the day was from a friend from law school who said, “I liked it. I guess I thought it would be more glamorous, but it was honest.”

I liked that comment so much because I know what I look like to everyone else. I look all put together…or at least like I think I have it all put together. I look a little glam sometimes, I do sometimes give full attitude, my laugh alone has been the topic at many dinner parties. I’m not quiet, meek, or hiding from the world. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of that fact…until today.

Today I was going about my “to do” list, getting stuff ready, signing up for review courses for the bar exam, sending emails for outlines, and also corresponding to let people know that I’d be a little out of touch while I was studying. I was moving along fine until I got a phone call that reminded me just how un-glam this life choice really is. I can try to hide behind pretty dresses, make-up, and great lighting, but what this is really about is still very ugly.

Today I realized what my demons were all about. I had been going about the last week feeling great. Many more very good days than bad days, and all of the sudden I could not feel. Not feeling is “normal” for me when it comes to the day-to-day, but I have been trying my best to change that. If you’ve seen the documentary you might remember my personal cam…I think I say something like: “I’m not there yet, but I will be.”

Well, I’m still not THERE yet, but I’m closer. Today could have been a major set-back, but instead when the trigger went off I let the feelings come through. It took a while to realize why I was shutting down, but when I did I was hit with the memory of a woman who witnessed me being raped. She was in the room. Hiding under a blanket. I was 12 years old and she was in her 20’s. I remember thinking that she was faking sleep. She was afraid of him, just as much as I was. I didn’t expect her to get up. I thought it was better if she just stayed sleeping, better for both of us. Those memories ricocheted through my mind, my heart, and I let them. I let myself be sad, and then I was done with it. I never cried about that moment before. It was a lost moment. A moment where both of us were losing a bit of our humanity, and we both knew it, but were restrained from acting. I now more completely understand the moment for what it was…very very human.

Today I know that there is another 12 year old out there, a 13 year old, a 14 year old, and they are facing the ill-est sides of humanity all alone. They hardly have the time, resources, or slightest chance to ever make sense of any of it. I hope we can change that soon…I know one thing is for sure, I still need your help, just like I did then. Even if it is just cheering me on through the bar exam, or sending donations to organizations that save lives, or volunteering in your community. Please do what you can to save generations of the forgotten and overlooked. Remember that I was the kid that was just “too difficult” … please look at kids without judgment and do what Ron did for me: ASK HOW THEY GOT THERE FIRST.

Weekly Blogs aka Journals or rambles: April 17, 2008 — it’s actually late and it’s Thursday

I’m not sure but I imagine the rest of the world operates similar to me in that there are times when everything doesn’t work. For whatever reason your cell phone, your car, your passport, your blog, and sometimes even your body just seem to fail you. It all happened to me over the last 2 weeks. It’s no excuse for not showing up to blog, but I’m just keeping you in the loop.

Kinda like my life you have to know that everything turned out positive to keep reading this! And it was positive — the Bermuda International Film Festival was a smashing success on all levels. We almost didn’t make it for a few reasons. First the cell phone! Oh, the cell phone! Sprint does not get service out in the middle of no wher. AT&T does and unfortunately I don’t have AT&T. So when I jumped in my car just before leaving for Bermuda for one last meeting I couldn’t call anyone to say HELP! But that was fine because my car was screaching so loud that it called out for me.

It was something to do with my brake pads once again, and this is a newer car — nothing fancy but new. So my 2006 Honda Civic had to head into the shop and we needed to get to LA. Lucky for me I have amazing in-laws close by that came to the rescue along with AAA and a local towing service.

The car went in for care, and finally at the end of the day Cole and I made it to Los Angeles to catch our flights. In LA both our phones work, but I used his to call Riccardo b/c Ricky has AT&T and mobile-to-mobile…you get the picture. When we stopped by Ricky’s, Cole was starving and I had already said to my new husband that no matter what when you come into their home all Italians will offer you food…even if we’re running late. Ricky did make the offer, but he didn’t have the sauce going yet so we rushed to the airport still hungry.

We made it, parked in long term parking, and took the shuttle to Delta. We were way ahead of my normal schedule and ready for take off. We even had time for dinner and margaritas before our red-eye flight to Boston.

In Boston we transferred as normal. Ricky called a friend and we were off to Bermuda. That’s when the passports didn’t work. Turns out we also needed the name and address of the hotel we were staying at and I probably should have been the one to get that information. I thought it was in one of our emails, but then the cell phones weren’t picking up data signals, so all three of us were sent to immigration for “review.”

Lucky for us a driver was waiting outside and she tracked us down after being paged. We were at the Hampton Princess. A nice hotel without a beach, but the beach wouldn’t be that far.

The screening of the documentary on the first night was amazing. It was so new to have all new, unknown strangers viewing my life. Up until then it had always been friends, loved ones, supporters, and now it was strangers. I waited for their reaction. They gave their hearts over and offered me a very warm welcome. They were full of questions, good ones, some new, and some I have heard before. One that keeps coming up: “How is your relationship with your mother?”

I answer that one a little different almost every time, as my relationship with her continues to change. Even though we have not spoken in some time I suppose that at times being a step mom makes me feel closer to her, and at other times further. At times the love I get from my other moms makes me forget about her. At all times I do think about her. Most recently when I was thinking about my feelings for her I thought “I do love her and I think she deserves to have some redemption.” I hope some day she will be at one of the screenings of the documentary when someone asks that question, then she could maybe answer the question from her perspective. I think that would be fair.

Well…I’ve written so much and really nothing at all. I’ll stop for now and be back when I’m back. Probably soon because we haven’t gotten to how my body stopped working. Just so you know it’s almost back on track. I returned from Bermuda feeling fine, and was ready for a trip to Sacramento (have to tell you all about this in the next blog!).

I could have easily cancelled Sacramento, but the panel was about homeless and runaway youth and law enforcement. I needed to be there, and I had already invited someone from the Fresno PD to be there with me! I made it. I shared one of the most difficult memories in my memory bank. The one about Icey basically walking free after raping and exploiting me, and me going to jail instead of the hospital. That’s a painful memory, and with time it is healing. I think it impacted the audience to hear it directly from someone who had lived it and they felt the urgency when I said it’s the same policy today!

So, the little scratch in the back of my throat I had in Sacramento has now turned into a full fledged sinus infection and my body stopped working. I’ll be ready for t-ball and the Fresno Film Festival — which kicks off tomorrow since I have had a week’s dose of anitibiotics.

See you at the Fresno Film Festival. If you’re curious and going to be in Fresno the documentary is showing on Sunday April 20th at 2PM. You can buy tickets online: http://www.fresnofilmworks.org/f_fest08_shorts2.php

I’m also going to be at Fresno State on May 25th at the “Cultivating Community” conference. I’ll screen the documentary and talk about what it means to be back in Fresno. The entire day looks amazing. Here are the details: Cultivating Community

Weekly Journal: Tuesday April 1, 2008 — April Fool’s Day!

April Fool? I remember this concept from being a child. Every time I write out April 1st, or think of the day, it comes to mind. But funny that no one played any games yet today! When we’re kids we don’t miss any opportunity to have fun do we?

If only to be more of a kid again…I honestly can’t say the exact day I stopped. One day I was teaching myself to read with the small yellow covered paper books — It was the adventures of stick figures and the occasional lion — but it really was anything I could find to read. Then suddenly the next day I had to defend myself. I was worried about being bad and getting in trouble, being hit, and quickly realizing that as a child I was somehow a burden on everyone else in the world. What a loss!

Children really are blessings, with more lessons to teach us than a thousand yogis, ten thousand gurus or messiahs.

As adults we are so preoccupied. We miss out on the simple thrills of life. We are always waiting aren’t we.

After a terrific education (an eye-opening education), I not only worry about my problems, but about all the problems in the world (and my neighborhood especially). I also spend some time recently worrying about those that want more from me than I have to offer.

But that’s all surface stuff compared to the worry I have about disappointing the people that love me. I never ever want to disappoint the people that love me.

The funny thing is the people that love me would say “DON’T WORRY! You CANNOT DISAPPOINT US!” So worry, actually doesn’t get me very far. In the spirit of giving up on things that don’t work, I’ll make a pledge today to play more and worry less!

You and I both realize that I’m letting go a little with this weekly blog…maybe it’s because I’m sitting at LAX about to board a plane for a far off place. It’s for work, but then again it’s not. It’s just exactly what I make it!

Here’s to getting childhood back after 30! I’m looking forward to the years to come, especially with love and family close by. There really is no disappointment when it’s love and family!

Buon divertimento! A presto!

March 29, 2008 Saturday — Baseball practice, rest, and showing my appreciation for community.

I am so happy to announce the correction on ABC Ch 30 11 o’clock news last night! I can’t tell you how much it helps me to move forward with the fight against the sexual exploitation — the prostitution — of children.

Most of you understood exactly what I was getting at, especially Dr. Lois Lee with Children of the Night, a tireless advocate for children that have been involved in prostitution. (Please refer anyone you know who has been involved in prostitution as a child to Children of the Night, they give children hope for normalcy — an actual childhood — after the trauma. 800-551-1300. www.childrenofthenight.org)

I met Dr. Lois Lee towards the beginning of filming the documentary. I had already returned to the Villa Motel on Parkway Drive, where the nightmare began, and we had put together a few minutes of footage to share with the kids at Children of the Night. I sat in the living room with a dozen kids who were just like me. We all cried, first as I watched the Children of the Night video, and heard their stories, and then as they watched mine. Afterwards we didn’t talk about the trauma, we just talked about normal stuff. We had some lunch and I heard about their school days, their interests, and their outings.

That was the first day I met Lois. I remember so clearly that when we sat in her office at the end of the day she said to me, “the painful part was just starting. It is going to get worse.”

She knew what I did not…that there would be countless misunderstandings with the media, and with friends, and with family.

I get it now. And I can see why she does not recommend or encourage kids (or adults) to talk about what they have been through with the public. There are still too many misconceptions in the media, and in our own hearts.

I am so grateful to be in a community that has stood up for what was right. It truly does give me the courage and the determination to keep this fight up until we break down the barriers of misconception to get help to kids that are alone and afraid — and trapped — first by those that exploit them and then later by the public and their peers.

Thank you to all those that called and emailed, and thank you to ABC 30 Local for standing up for what is right!

***************

Yesterday I spoke at Lemoore’s West Hills Community College Leadership Conference! It was amazing. There was a great turnout and I enjoyed questions and comments following my presentation. I am encouraged by the number of people in the Central Valley that are survivors — keep up the fight!

And besides having to write this entry (to give you & ABC credit) I had a completely normal day today that included baseball practice, bbq, and rest! It’s taking time to settle in to the fact that life is so good, especially when you’re doing what you love! That said…I did make the big decision to take the bar exam this July. I’ll keep everyone posted. Expect that you might be getting some law review on these blogs as I plow through the thousands of pages and dozens of law books over the next two months!

March 27, 2008 — Thursday: What is wrong with the title?

I feel like the label that was recently given to me in a news story is a picture on the back of Highlights children magazine. You know the one that you circle all the things WRONG in the picture…or just out of place.

After hearing from tons of family and loved ones about the report on Channel 30 I decided to make the point here that there is a difference between a “prostituted child” and “a prostitute!”

It matters to people to know whether I was forced into prostitution when I was 12 years old or whether I was turning tricks on Motel Drive at 20! (Though I know the 20 year old and have empathy because according to research it probably started for her when she was around 14 or younger…after she was abused at an even younger age.)

I was involved in prostitution as a homeless kid on the street — where I was sexually exploited by adults. I was 13 when all of that ended for good!

I think my point is best made when you think about victims of sexual abuse in general. Would it make sense to say that someone who is raped or molested as a child became “sexually active at 8 years old?” It doesn’t make sense and it puts the blame in the wrong place.

To a lesser degree, I also do not believe that I am an activist in the everyday sense of the word. Even though I love activists, I don’t measure up to them. I am passionate, but I also love to relax and enjoy life. I go on vacation, I enjoy my free time, and I spend a ton of time with family and friends — chilling out. Maybe all “activists” do this, and it’s just my perception.

If I am an “activist” then after an MBA from UCLA Anderson, I’m not the usual one! I have invested time and money in learning how to participate in government and business. Besides, I guess what I truly believe is that activism in business sometimes means progress — it’s the difference between Steve Jobs and everyone else!

I guess that I could also be an activist because I care about the future of a community, and want to see the end of prostitution of children on Motel & Parkway Drives. But then again, are people that were molested by Catholic Priests truly “activists” when they file suit to bring an end to a once overlooked abuse? I don’t think you’d call them “activist” in the true sense of the word because they are fighting for their own justice.

I am similarly fighting for my own justice by organizing a community!

PLEASE COMMENT ON THE DISTINCTION IN AN EMAIL AS THE STATION HAS ALREADY RECEIVED SEVERAL CALLS
http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/feature?section=resources/inside_station/station_info&id=5793938

In case you can’t email: 559-442-1170

http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/story?section=news/local&id=6041865

March 26, 2008 — Losing the attitude means you can laugh at yourself…and have the capacity to enjoy you!

When I was in law school I visited my “adopted” parents over the holidays and some weekends. One of my favorite things to do was to have coffee and read my horoscope in the Fresno Bee. The scope helped me laugh at myself! I loved the bee-scope so much that I’d get back to school and Barbara would call to read it to me.

I woke up this morning to this bee-scope…

Virgo: You might not realize the impact of your attitude on others. You could be making a situation or interaction much heavier or difficult. Look at why you assume the attitude.

Laughing at myself is important. Do I have attitude? YES!

And don’t confuse my attitude with my persistence, passion, determination, or confidence — those are qualities! “Attitude” has a negative connotation because it is somehow unjustified and usually results when a person feels frustrated, either by their own limitations, or the situation they are in.

Simply admitting the attitude is just the beginning. I really need to know “WHY I ASSUME THE ATTITUDE” in order to get rid of it. Maybe I feel like the community got a raw deal, like as much as we tried to rationalize and explain our elected officials did not get it, and maybe I just feel tired and frustrated at the process — one that was broken from the start. In any case, just talking about those reasons makes me feel 100% better!

I’m cool with losing the “attitude.” I don’t think it sets a good example and I also don’t think that “attitude” gets anyone anywhere. That said, my persistence, determination, confidence, and passion still remain!!!