Week 5: May 6, 2008 Tuesday — A great news day! Preceded by Monday which were more challenging.

The road block on my “interior journey” … the one question everyone asks me at every screening is how my relationship is with my mother. The real honest answer is “I don’t know” and “it’s my fault because I want to reach out and I’m afraid of rejection.”

I never gave the honest answer because I honestly didn’t know it until yesterday when I saw her. I met with my biological mom yesterday. I had to get something off my chest. I needed to tell her that I appreciated that she was not a drug addict, and she didn’t beat us. I told her that I thought her being good with us as babies is what gave us a chance. Me, my baby brothers, my older sisters, we are all human. We have our challenges of course, but we also have mental capacity and a ton of potential.

The recognition that my mom deserved some credit came after my baby bro took home the first prize in the Fresno State business plan competition on May 3rd!!! I’m so proud of him, and our older sister who is on his 3 person team. I have always seen something great in my baby brother, and my other siblings, they’re talented! We all have POTENTIAL to meet just about any challenge we are faced with. We have tenacity and we have smarts. I want to be proud of that and I want my mom to be proud of the fact that she left that potential in tact. She may have left me when I was 12, but for some reason her loving me from 0-3 made the most impact on me in my 3-0’s.

So I drove to Coalinga yesterday and I thanked her for giving me a chance to be great.

I even went a little further. I told her I would be here for her. That it mattered to me that she was around for a long time, and I said I thought I owed her something for the chance she gave us all in life. And that was just Monday!

So moving on to the exterior road block: I’m at risk of being marginalized, pushed out, or cast aside for demanding too much…

After “The Hacienda” issue and realizing the shambles the city is in, and has been in, I was feeling like I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I wasn’t sure if I was cutout for it, but then I thought again. What I was really faced with was that I was not popular anymore. I was losing friends in Fresno. Not that they won’t come and go, but people started questioning my intentions. I was being marginalized, then yesterday (before I drove to Coalinga) I met Sheri. I had heard from Sheri a week earlier, and it turned out that we were both waiting to meet each other for many years. I am so relieved to know that the region has more than one champion who recognizes and will fight the good fight.

Now that the interior and exterior road blocks have been recognized, I think I have a better chance at getting past them. I also think that good things (gifts) have a greater chance of getting in. The gifts didn’t take long, they came today!

The first gift was when I received a message from Mandi Perkins who wrote On My Own (Carissa’s Song), which is available now on iTunes. Well, Mandi is releasing her first album soon & is going to promote the song & the cause with BIG help!!! That message was a huge gift. Then just now I received an email from David, the filmmaker. It was a mass email to “Friends of the Film” to announce the documentary’s first big award: Best Short Documentary at the Newport Film Festival!!! It was announced today in the OC Register:
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/best-outstanding-festival-2032909-film-achievement

All this great news makes me want to let go of more garbage and become a bigger better person again and again!!!

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For local supporters…hope to see you on Thursday night! Valley Teen Ranch has some great news too. They are moving forward with an organic farm. The boys will be able to learn about organic gardening, they’ll eat organic, and they’ll learn all about a viable business.

Be sure to call ahead to reserve your seats and if you can’t make it you can definitely call in to pledge your support for the ranch and the organic farm! http://www.valleyteenranch.org/

Week 4: Tuesday — I’m just about feeling better.

I’ve been sick for too long! It turns out that the cold, or flu, or whatever I had turned into a sinus infection, and then I realized when my head was throbbing that I actually have allergies! What a mess. Long story short, I had to go to LA to take a breath of “fresh” air. I just wasn’t breathing here in the valley. It’s a new experience for me and I hope it won’t take too long to get used to it again.

Well besides starting to feel better, I’m also feeling absolutely terrific about having the documentary in the Fresno Film Festival. It was a good turnout, and I loved getting the local feedback, including “best documentary” award. My favorite comment of the day was from a friend from law school who said, “I liked it. I guess I thought it would be more glamorous, but it was honest.”

I liked that comment so much because I know what I look like to everyone else. I look all put together…or at least like I think I have it all put together. I look a little glam sometimes, I do sometimes give full attitude, my laugh alone has been the topic at many dinner parties. I’m not quiet, meek, or hiding from the world. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of that fact…until today.

Today I was going about my “to do” list, getting stuff ready, signing up for review courses for the bar exam, sending emails for outlines, and also corresponding to let people know that I’d be a little out of touch while I was studying. I was moving along fine until I got a phone call that reminded me just how un-glam this life choice really is. I can try to hide behind pretty dresses, make-up, and great lighting, but what this is really about is still very ugly.

Today I realized what my demons were all about. I had been going about the last week feeling great. Many more very good days than bad days, and all of the sudden I could not feel. Not feeling is “normal” for me when it comes to the day-to-day, but I have been trying my best to change that. If you’ve seen the documentary you might remember my personal cam…I think I say something like: “I’m not there yet, but I will be.”

Well, I’m still not THERE yet, but I’m closer. Today could have been a major set-back, but instead when the trigger went off I let the feelings come through. It took a while to realize why I was shutting down, but when I did I was hit with the memory of a woman who witnessed me being raped. She was in the room. Hiding under a blanket. I was 12 years old and she was in her 20’s. I remember thinking that she was faking sleep. She was afraid of him, just as much as I was. I didn’t expect her to get up. I thought it was better if she just stayed sleeping, better for both of us. Those memories ricocheted through my mind, my heart, and I let them. I let myself be sad, and then I was done with it. I never cried about that moment before. It was a lost moment. A moment where both of us were losing a bit of our humanity, and we both knew it, but were restrained from acting. I now more completely understand the moment for what it was…very very human.

Today I know that there is another 12 year old out there, a 13 year old, a 14 year old, and they are facing the ill-est sides of humanity all alone. They hardly have the time, resources, or slightest chance to ever make sense of any of it. I hope we can change that soon…I know one thing is for sure, I still need your help, just like I did then. Even if it is just cheering me on through the bar exam, or sending donations to organizations that save lives, or volunteering in your community. Please do what you can to save generations of the forgotten and overlooked. Remember that I was the kid that was just “too difficult” … please look at kids without judgment and do what Ron did for me: ASK HOW THEY GOT THERE FIRST.

Weekly Blogs aka Journals or rambles: April 17, 2008 — it’s actually late and it’s Thursday

I’m not sure but I imagine the rest of the world operates similar to me in that there are times when everything doesn’t work. For whatever reason your cell phone, your car, your passport, your blog, and sometimes even your body just seem to fail you. It all happened to me over the last 2 weeks. It’s no excuse for not showing up to blog, but I’m just keeping you in the loop.

Kinda like my life you have to know that everything turned out positive to keep reading this! And it was positive — the Bermuda International Film Festival was a smashing success on all levels. We almost didn’t make it for a few reasons. First the cell phone! Oh, the cell phone! Sprint does not get service out in the middle of no wher. AT&T does and unfortunately I don’t have AT&T. So when I jumped in my car just before leaving for Bermuda for one last meeting I couldn’t call anyone to say HELP! But that was fine because my car was screaching so loud that it called out for me.

It was something to do with my brake pads once again, and this is a newer car — nothing fancy but new. So my 2006 Honda Civic had to head into the shop and we needed to get to LA. Lucky for me I have amazing in-laws close by that came to the rescue along with AAA and a local towing service.

The car went in for care, and finally at the end of the day Cole and I made it to Los Angeles to catch our flights. In LA both our phones work, but I used his to call Riccardo b/c Ricky has AT&T and mobile-to-mobile…you get the picture. When we stopped by Ricky’s, Cole was starving and I had already said to my new husband that no matter what when you come into their home all Italians will offer you food…even if we’re running late. Ricky did make the offer, but he didn’t have the sauce going yet so we rushed to the airport still hungry.

We made it, parked in long term parking, and took the shuttle to Delta. We were way ahead of my normal schedule and ready for take off. We even had time for dinner and margaritas before our red-eye flight to Boston.

In Boston we transferred as normal. Ricky called a friend and we were off to Bermuda. That’s when the passports didn’t work. Turns out we also needed the name and address of the hotel we were staying at and I probably should have been the one to get that information. I thought it was in one of our emails, but then the cell phones weren’t picking up data signals, so all three of us were sent to immigration for “review.”

Lucky for us a driver was waiting outside and she tracked us down after being paged. We were at the Hampton Princess. A nice hotel without a beach, but the beach wouldn’t be that far.

The screening of the documentary on the first night was amazing. It was so new to have all new, unknown strangers viewing my life. Up until then it had always been friends, loved ones, supporters, and now it was strangers. I waited for their reaction. They gave their hearts over and offered me a very warm welcome. They were full of questions, good ones, some new, and some I have heard before. One that keeps coming up: “How is your relationship with your mother?”

I answer that one a little different almost every time, as my relationship with her continues to change. Even though we have not spoken in some time I suppose that at times being a step mom makes me feel closer to her, and at other times further. At times the love I get from my other moms makes me forget about her. At all times I do think about her. Most recently when I was thinking about my feelings for her I thought “I do love her and I think she deserves to have some redemption.” I hope some day she will be at one of the screenings of the documentary when someone asks that question, then she could maybe answer the question from her perspective. I think that would be fair.

Well…I’ve written so much and really nothing at all. I’ll stop for now and be back when I’m back. Probably soon because we haven’t gotten to how my body stopped working. Just so you know it’s almost back on track. I returned from Bermuda feeling fine, and was ready for a trip to Sacramento (have to tell you all about this in the next blog!).

I could have easily cancelled Sacramento, but the panel was about homeless and runaway youth and law enforcement. I needed to be there, and I had already invited someone from the Fresno PD to be there with me! I made it. I shared one of the most difficult memories in my memory bank. The one about Icey basically walking free after raping and exploiting me, and me going to jail instead of the hospital. That’s a painful memory, and with time it is healing. I think it impacted the audience to hear it directly from someone who had lived it and they felt the urgency when I said it’s the same policy today!

So, the little scratch in the back of my throat I had in Sacramento has now turned into a full fledged sinus infection and my body stopped working. I’ll be ready for t-ball and the Fresno Film Festival — which kicks off tomorrow since I have had a week’s dose of anitibiotics.

See you at the Fresno Film Festival. If you’re curious and going to be in Fresno the documentary is showing on Sunday April 20th at 2PM. You can buy tickets online: http://www.fresnofilmworks.org/f_fest08_shorts2.php

I’m also going to be at Fresno State on May 25th at the “Cultivating Community” conference. I’ll screen the documentary and talk about what it means to be back in Fresno. The entire day looks amazing. Here are the details: Cultivating Community

Weekly Journal: Tuesday April 1, 2008 — April Fool’s Day!

April Fool? I remember this concept from being a child. Every time I write out April 1st, or think of the day, it comes to mind. But funny that no one played any games yet today! When we’re kids we don’t miss any opportunity to have fun do we?

If only to be more of a kid again…I honestly can’t say the exact day I stopped. One day I was teaching myself to read with the small yellow covered paper books — It was the adventures of stick figures and the occasional lion — but it really was anything I could find to read. Then suddenly the next day I had to defend myself. I was worried about being bad and getting in trouble, being hit, and quickly realizing that as a child I was somehow a burden on everyone else in the world. What a loss!

Children really are blessings, with more lessons to teach us than a thousand yogis, ten thousand gurus or messiahs.

As adults we are so preoccupied. We miss out on the simple thrills of life. We are always waiting aren’t we.

After a terrific education (an eye-opening education), I not only worry about my problems, but about all the problems in the world (and my neighborhood especially). I also spend some time recently worrying about those that want more from me than I have to offer.

But that’s all surface stuff compared to the worry I have about disappointing the people that love me. I never ever want to disappoint the people that love me.

The funny thing is the people that love me would say “DON’T WORRY! You CANNOT DISAPPOINT US!” So worry, actually doesn’t get me very far. In the spirit of giving up on things that don’t work, I’ll make a pledge today to play more and worry less!

You and I both realize that I’m letting go a little with this weekly blog…maybe it’s because I’m sitting at LAX about to board a plane for a far off place. It’s for work, but then again it’s not. It’s just exactly what I make it!

Here’s to getting childhood back after 30! I’m looking forward to the years to come, especially with love and family close by. There really is no disappointment when it’s love and family!

Buon divertimento! A presto!

March 25, 2008 — Tuesday is the day of the week when the City Council meets!

I am making a transition to weekly journals. The daily blogs were wonderful, but I felt a bit raw after writing them on a daily basis. And — honestly, my husband missed me when I’d stay on the computer every night until wee hours in the morning.

In the interest of work-life balance Tuesdays are now the day for weekly journaling!!! I had thought about weeklies before but Saturday or Sunday wouldn’t be any good because I want to be with the family. Monday or Friday would suck too because no one would read them. Now, because tonight, Tuesday night, was monumental (or at least institutional!) — with the city council’s vote on the Hacienda — I decided that Tuesdays would be perfect!

Tonight we heard a vote of 5-2 in support of the Conditional Use Permit (CUP) application by San Diego Mental Health Systems, Inc. to run a private correctional center (”prison”) within Fresno city limits. We are the first city to approve a Female Rehabilitation Community Correctional Center (FRCCC) in California, where residents will be affected.

Bakersfield has approved a CUP application by MHS, but that FRCCC facility would be located next to a juvenile hall. It would not impact the neighborhood in such a negative way…the way that this FRCCC would!

San Jose and Redding saw the light and refused to allow the state to run prisons inside their city limits. The entire state should be fighting these facilities. It’s simply prison expansion, and it’s happening at the same time that we are losing elementary school teachers in the same neighborhoods!!!

Why should children in kindergarten suffer when prisoners get luxury treatment? Even as a former juvenile hall inmate, I’d choose to help the small kids first, and then I’d figure out how to let non-serious, low-risk offenders take care of themselves — outside of prisons!

I wish that all of you could have been there tonight for the vote by the council. One council member, Mike Dages seemed to have had a revelation. With 550 signatures in his hand he asked that the council meeting be open to public comment from those that had not yet been heard — you could have heard a pin drop when his motion to open to public comment waited for its second. It never came!!! Without a second the motion died and the crowd booed in disbelief at the other council members.

Dages was making the profound point to his colleagues that an approval of this CUP would set a precedent for the entire city. Any other vacant building in Fresno, including the soon to be vacant IRS building (next to his home), would be up for grabs to the state. Dages is right!

So now that Fresno citizens are beginning to realize just how important it was to fight against this CUP, what can be done? Are we destined to have an FRCCC in the Jane Addams community, and another earmarked for the city by 2010? The lawyer in me says NO — at least not without a fair fight! We have recourse.

Besides asking for the entire process to be reviewed the community plans to initiate a recall against Cynthia Sterling. I would definitely support the effort whole-heartedly.

Remember that Cynthia refused to speak to community leaders during this entire process. Also remember that it is because of her misdeeds that this CUP made it through the planning commission on the first try without any question whatsoever — even though it had not received comment by the police department!

Cynthia voted to approve the CUP tonight. She obviously does not want to engage a community that employs her, and she has repeatedly refused to stand up for what is best for Fresno and District 3. It’s time that we remind City Council about what their job is exactly — not serving the needs of developers, but answering to the community.

What I am personally looking forward to next with regard to this issue:

#1) Fighting AB 76 for its negative impact on communities like Jane Addams (a “concentrated pocket of poverty” according to the Brookings Institution, with the majority of residents living well below the poverty line!)
#2) Asking for a formal review of the CUP decision
#3) Supporting community members in their efforts to recall Cynthia Sterling, and establishing a Community Benefits Agreement for their neighborhood
#4) Which comes as a surprise to even me…Taking the bar exam and joining (or perhaps leading) the legal action against the city for its faulty process and final decision tonight (the nonprofit development of Motel & Parkway Drive will still happen — there are now champions in place in the community that will have support)

Overall, I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t want to work with the City. I know how important it is to have city and county support, but we all need to remember who puts elected officials in place and that is the community. I am here to answer to the community first, and they are not happy. Several community members were in shock tonight — they were wondering just what would happen to their neighborhood, and their neighbors.

It seems that over time elected officials in Fresno may have forgotten who they serve. Cynthia was way too comfortable when she said to me that she “didn’t think people in that neighborhood had a voice and that’s why she was speaking for them.”

I’m not sure if she was interested in developers, or just incompetent, but either way she has now caused some permanent damage on the city AND showed little concern with respect to tax paying, law abiding citizens! The vote tonight gives the community the opportunity to let all elected officials in Fresno know who they need the most! The voters!

All that said…I do have passions outside of politics and my family. Kids are the real reason that I am back.

My focus on youth homeless issues brings me to paying a great complement to the City and the PD. I will continue to go out of my way to pay my respects to Chief Dyer and Mayor Autry when they protect the homeless. I fully appreciate the recent crack down on crimes against the homeless. To the Mayor and Chief: Keep up the good work and I am looking forward to helping direct the efforts to protect homeless and runaway youth next!