Is social inclusion the answer? I’m fascinated by a whole field of research that I’m just learning about, (it’s new to me but I feel like I know it b/c lived it) …
“Sociologists have observed that excluded classes of persons in many societies exhibit various undesirable patterns of behavior, including aggression, poor intellectual or academic performance, lack of pro-social behavior, self-destructive indulgences, and poor self-control. Our research suggests that these are not necessarily inner traits of society’s downtrodden, so much as normal reactions that all sorts of people exhibit when they find themselves to be excluded by others.” (Baumeister et al. 2007)
Passing the bar is great, but I continue to wonder whether and when I will feel like I “fit in” with “them” but now “them” is “me” and I still don’t really find myself wanting to belong.
What I’m realizing is that this is an old feeling. We all need acceptance. When we are not accepted, when we are not allowed access, when basic rights are denied, we have no motivation to participate. I have been wondering myself lately what would make the office, and the comforts of a full-time job worth it? Those who love me are urging me to take part in a system that I don’t fully buy into. But why don’t I buy into it?
Maybe if I knew that I could have it and not give up who I really am? Maybe if I knew that I would be accepted…not left behind or looked down upon for being different? The answer for most innovators, for those that feel like acceptance in the status quo is impossible is entrepreneurship. We do it our own way. This has been the informal approach I have been taking — and now it’s time to formalize it. I am forming a start up.
Practicing social entrepreneurship is a way to participate without needing to be accepted by a system that I have not fully bought into yet. More to come about this venture in the next month or two…
During Yoga my instructor shared this quote…then she even photocopied it for me! THANKS!
“As we are all human beings living on earth among [6.7 billion] other human beings, our happiness is intimately connected to that of others. It is hard to imagine personal happiness detached or separate from the happiness of others. For it is certain that if we aspire to happiness, we must be deeply concerned about the happiness of all humankind.”
Happiness is for everyone. It’s better than money because (1) there’s plenty to go around; and (2) we assign our own value to it!!! If you believe in happiness then it makes sense that you’d want to give others a chance at it to.
HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE CARISSA PROJECT?
I am working with youth that are constantly rejected by society. It’s so bad that when they try to get jobs they get turned down. When they apply themselves they’re told they are just not good enough! It’s not just because they lack skills, but because they have “attitude problems” or they don’t dress or speak “appropriately.”
Would you be able to achieve happiness if your best efforts were rejected???
I love programs that give everyone a chance at happiness — they accept & meet people where they are. If we need to prepare young people before they apply themselves then let’s do it. It’s amazing how much more young people will grow when you accept them where they’re at.
Remember not to expect miracles from anyone, unless you apply miracles!
Here are two miracle workers that meet young people where they are at:
THERE IS SPACE AVAILABLE FOR A SIMILAR PROGRAM TO SERVE YOUNG WOMEN IN FRESNO, CA.
Last week I realized that there is not a specific program for work readiness for young women in Fresno. I hear GREAT things about Hope Now for Youth, so I’d like to borrow from their model, as well as Homeboys, and start something for young women. There is a need! I was mentoring a young woman at a transitional living center when I realized the need!
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO ENSURE YOUNG WOMEN IN FRESNO ARE NOT “ON THEIR OWN”?
Make a major contribution or help with time or efforts on this project! If you’re interested in the success of young women in Fresno please email me at: hopenowforgirls@gmail.com
{that’s just the idea not the name of the org! we’ll probably leave the name more open so that boys that want to join feel welcomed.}
If you can’t do a lot then buy “On My Own” or share this link. 100% of proceeds go to helping kids that are/were in situations like mine:
3) Sleep better tonight knowing you helped keep a young person off the streets.
All proceeds from “On My Own” will be used to provide services and shelter to homeless and runaway children, who have been bought, sold & raped, while looking for a better life on the streets of America.
More to do when you’re broke…
RALLY YOUR FRIENDS
The 10 by 10 effect — is when 10 friends donate $10 each. Choose any multiple and feel how good it will make everyone feel to give to a single cause as a group.
GET THE FACTS
Children of the Night can’t run at full capacity without donations — they’re having to turn away children that are in desperate need of services & shelter. COTN is a unique program, and is one of only a few shelters for prostituted children in the U.S. It is privately funded, and it is going to have trouble staying open without donations.
Check out Jennifer York’s interview with myself & Dr. Lois Lee. Lois runs Children of the Night, and in this interview she talks about her work with the shelter, and my work in Fresno. http://www.cbn.com/cbnnews/462222.aspx
3) Sleep better tonight knowing you helped keep a young person off the streets.
All proceeds from “On My Own” will be used to provide services and shelter to homeless and runaway children, who have been bought, sold & raped, while looking for a better life on the streets of America.
My favorite picture of me is a school picture. My hair is messy. My tooth is sticking out. But my eyes are shining because I am so proud that I remembered it was picture day, and I wore my favorite shirt!
I love math! And the amazing thing is that math has loved me back. When there were no answers, no reasons, no explanations, a problem could still be solved. A solution was present, you just had to work hard to find it.
Here’s an experiment for people who can sometimes feel like a swinging mass on a wire has a lot in common with their emotional life.
Do you know how pendulums work? It seems simple enough when you look at a clock, but did you know that the pendulum swings faster (with greater frequency) when the wire it hangs from is shorter? Did you also know that the weight of the pendulum does not determine how fast it will swing?
Instructions:
Step 1: SCROLL DOWN TO CHANGE LENGTH
Step 2: HIT START
Step 3: NOW CUT THE LENGTH TO .5 (HALF THE ORIGINAL LENGTH)
Step 4: HIT START AGAIN See how fast it moves when you decrease your support network.
Step 5: INCREASE THE LENGTH TO 2 (TWICE THE ORIGINAL LENGTH)
Step 6: HIT START AGAIN You can slow the emotional pendulum down by increasing your support network.
ANALYSIS
How you describe and relate the pendulum to your life is up to you.
If you did the experiment you understand why I say that my wire is what keeps me connected. It’s my friends, my family, and the activities that make me feel grounded. I know that the shorter my wire is the faster my emotional pendulum will swing.
HOW MY SCIENCE EVOLVED
In the past I’ve found comfort in knowing that the degree of pain that I experienced would provide an equal degree of happiness — I thought when the pendulum would swing toward the positive (happiness) it would hit a super high point to counteract the negative (pain). It’s true that the mass swings the same distance in the opposite direction — BUT the damn thing swings back too!
Just as life goes on after our defining moments, the pendulum keeps swinging. And even though “my science” meant I would have a great upside — the downside was that I risked going back to that deep painful place.
PAIN
I kinda figured out that feeling sad is inevitable, but I did not want to feel like I was going to swing back to where I started. So I did what every great scientist does — I changed the axioms — the self-evident truths, so that I had a better outcome.
Now I define pain as the mass, the weight of the pendulum, instead of the degree that the pendulum is pulled back. You see the mass of the pendulum does not determine frequency, but without some mass we can’t feel anything. Pain is necessary. It’s almost a requirement to life.
My new axiom: I exist therefore I must feel pain. But the degree of pain I experienced in the past does not have to be experienced again and again in order to live a fulfilling life.
SWINGING
The solution to an emotional life that is swinging with high frequency is to: (1) add reliable friends, (2a) connect with family or (2b) if your family is swinging out of control, build a support network that acts like a family, and (3) increase activities that make you feel grounded, like walking around a lake or visiting the ocean, or hiking, or laughing.
WHAT GROUNDS ME
Even though my science wasn’t perfect, I began lowering the frequency of my emotional pendulum a long time ago.
First with Barbara, who taught me what a home was, and became a strong mother figure in my life. Giving me the support I needed to get grounded. Next, I added friends. Long lasting ones. There were only one or two, but they changed my life. Today I know the value of friendship because of that friend that (for two decades) has never judged and always let me be me. Thanks Melisa!!!
The steps I take now are incremental to keep the pendulum steady. Over the last decade I’ve seen a lot change in my life that might have hit me like a tornado, but I was always able to get back to the basics. To laugh with my friends, to get support from my family (the one I was granted and the one I created)…the point is that I had steady people that I could connect to when life started feeling a little out of control.
I’ve also been able to build new friendships. My best friend in Los Angeles inspired me to write this blog in the first place! He might look like an unlikely match for me, an Italian producer with a great family and a wonderful happy childhood. Riccardo grew up in Milan, Italy and his life experience reminds me that life is a blessing. He has a great frequency and I enjoy being near him — he acts like a force to center my life and he also increases the length of my emotional wire.
THE LESSON
The lesson that I’ve been learning over my lifetime is that I don’t have to act or re-act based on my past experiences. I can slow down my emotional responses and even reset the degree of ups and downs that I feel. I’m sharing because I think some of us feel like the pendulum is out of our hands.
It is in fact in our hands — we live life by our own science — our own axioms, rules, and definitions.
We can all get back to the center, if we know what to add and what to take back AND all that means is GETTING BACK TO THE BASICS!
WHEN AXIOMS FAIL
Sometimes our science fails us, and things don’t make that much sense (like the video below). It’s usually our minds playing tricks on us, but it could be serious. I’ve seen too many kids reject therapy (and even evaluations) because there is still a social stigma among our street culture to not admit that we need some help — my only advice is that we all need a wire — and the tougher things get the more you need safe (grounded) people you can talk to.
It’s your ride! In this picture things are out of control. There are actually hidden magnets that make the pendulum swing out of control. When life feels like this first identify the energy forces (peers or even family) that are throwing you off…then decide if you should distance yourself from them by saying “goodbye” to bad friends, or when it’s family you might want to increase the length of your wire by getting better friends and building a stronger support network.
Kids aren’t the only ones that have a stigma about getting help. If a doctor recommends more to get your emotional pendulum in order then consider it. I could see that sometimes when we’re swinging out of control it could be necessary to take a pill. BUT remember the goal is to get back to a regular frequency, so let the meds help you get back to the basics.
Regular maintenance is necessary, so when life is just a little out of control try thinking about the pendulum. Think about who or what increases the length of your wire, and remember that no matter how heavy it all seems you’ll get through it — in my science the weight of what I went through in the past does not determine what I experience today!
CARISSA is showing as part of the Ace Film Festival, a celebration of American cinema. It’s part of an hour-long program of shorts. Over 800 films submitted; 40 taken. There will also be a Q&A with the director (um, me).
For those who don’t know it yet — we’re playing at the Arclight August 22 through August 28 as part of DOCUWEEK, the International Documentary Association’s qualifying run for the Academy Award.
Here are the times:
Friday, August 22, 2:30
Saturday, August 23, 4:45
Sunday, August 24, 7:15
Monday, August 25, 9:20
Tuesday, August 26, 12:00 noon
Wednesday, August 27, 2:30
Thursday, August 28, 4:45
I will be there Friday through Monday. Carissa will be there on Sunday, and possibly a few other days as well, her schedule depending.
You can buy tickets online or just show up at the box office.
Arclight Hollywood
6360 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028
It looks to be an amazing group of documentaries. Come, show your support, and enjoy. Better yet, email your friends and help pack the theater. The more buzz we get going…
The Human Development index is an old way of looking at how other nations are doing. It simply measures 1) Health, 2) Education, and 3) Income.
You haven’t heard about it before because the way America has graded itself in the past has been to look at the pure economics. Our nation’s take on things has been, “we’re doing fine, when our citizens are making enough money,” and “we can tell that they’re making enough money when they’re shopping enough.”
We traditionally look at consumer indexes, and try to judge consumer confidence by retail sales. Honestly, even with an A.A, a B.A, a J.D., and an M.B.A., that stuff seems so much harder to understand than the straightforward: 1) Health, 2) Education, and 3) Income measures.
It also makes sense to rate America in terms of Human Development because it’s actually the way we judge the rest of the world.
The tool is old because it has been used as an effective means of communicating Human Development abroad. Thanks to three researchers here in the U.S. we will now be looking at America with the expanded lense.
The researchers took a look at the 436 U.S. Congressional Districts. Some say it’s political for that reason, and the researchers say it’s just an effective way to look at objective data. I agree with the researchers. I love it when data comes with accountability, it makes it so much easier to do something about the stuff that makes you upset.
The 20th Congressional District ranked 436th out of 436. The 20th Congressional District includes Fresno (it includes Coalinga too–the small town I was from when I ended up in Fresno).
The very sad truth is that no matter which index you use, when you look at Fresno, particularly the 20th District, we rank dead last. [see: More LEMONS below]
************************************************************************************************ Political Side Note
This year I think politics should not be played out as usual, especially in Fresno. I’m all for working together toward progress, but now is no time for anyone on the fence to be a sell out — including me. For that reason I need to expand on my future relationship with Congressman Costa.
You may already know that the Congressman for the 20th District, Jim Costa, is an old time politician. He’s a blue dog, a member of a fiscally conservative democratic group. My hope is that he won’t be as fiscally conservative this next term. We need investments in every direction, and my take on government is that if used properly federal taxes can stimulate investment (just like it has with farmers for years), create jobs, and with some regulation provide affordable health care. It’s not rocket science, in fact other nations — yes with higher tax rates — have been spending money on education and healthcare for decades. And the ones that are really good at it even have higher incomes than us because of it. It’s a positive feedback loop!
Americans unfortunately have grown up with a strong distaste for taxes and for big government…but I don’t think it’s about the taxes as much as it is about the people running our government.
As far as the representation in the 20th District goes…
I’ve met Congressman Costa, and I hope to meet him again soon. I learned about his questionable past because people felt compelled to tell me that he was once convicted for picking up an undercover police officer that he thought was a prostitute. I have thought about his past, and did a little research on him. I think that I can work with him, without being a sell out, but it would be a little easier if we could be frank.
The next chance I get, privately (or maybe with my husband there too), I’d just like to clear the air. I don’t expect him to say “I’m sorry about that incident in 1986,” to all of the 20th District again — just to me. You see, Costa was arrested only 3 short years before I was forced into prostitution myself. I could work with him fine if we can talk about it, once. If we don’t talk about it, then I’ll always wonder if he realizes that it could have been me he picked up.
I’m lucky if I get a chance to talk to Costa. Most of us in California don’t have conversations with our representatives. I think that is the number one reason why we stand back with our hands up. We have such a distaste for politics and big government because we are rarely able to get things off our chest. (I base this partly on my visit to the politically hyper state of New Hampshire. There is unbelievable access to politicians in New Hampshire. I think I met the governor and the former governor, and the top candidate for the U.S. Senate, as well as a small fraction of the state assembly — and that was on a short three day trip without leaving the living room!).
Anyways, after I get that small matter off my chest, and the world realizes that I’m not selling out, then I think Costa and I can be well on our way to talking about the motel projects that are located in his district.
Hopefully it will happen soon and over lemonade. But I’m in no rush, I can certainly wait for the appropriate moment. In case he is wondering (or his staff) I do realize that he served his time on probation for his offense. It just seems like probation is a slap on the wrist compared to the jail time I served, when I was 12 years old and picked up on the other side of a similar street.
Back to “THE AMERICAN HUMAN DEVELOPMENT PROJECT” — I think that this report is very SAD, depressing, almost makes you want to move away from this place and find a better place, where people have a chance in life. True poverty is nothing to celebrate, but on the other hand what good can come out of knowing we’re the poorest of the poor?
I really don’t know the answer yet, and it’s not a rhetorical question, but the reason I think something good will come out of being dead last in terms of human development is because it’s something people care about.
My take on very bad news can be summed up in a lesson I was taught when I was 15 years old. I was attending continuation high school, and I was super sad. I think I had just bombed the standardized writing test, and I was so depressed because I really wrote my heart out.
I was sitting alone kinda quiet looking at all the bad comments on my exam booklet, when Barbara, the teacher’s aid (who is now like a mom to me) walked over to my table and sat down next to me.
Barbara said to me in a very matter-of-fact way: “You’ve got to make lemonade!”
I replied: “What do you mean?”
She went on to explain because I obviously had never heard this saying before.
“When God gives you lemons you’ve got to make lemonade.” Then Barbara did the sweetest thing. She gave me a hard lemon candy to brighten up my day, and with that little Lemonhead she sealed this story in my head for life.
So what’s this all have to do with Fresno? Everything!
My first step when I’m done with this bar exam is to open up a dreamy lemonade stand, the best in town…and you know exactly where it will be. It will be in the city and in the neighborhood that has the most lemons!
This is for the entire Virgin Mobile RE*Generation crew!
I had been told about the STRIP2CLOTHE campaign early on, and knew that it had come a long way, but with studying for the bar exam I hadn’t had the time to take a look at it. However, I had to take a few minutes to check out the site, when I read about the “outrage” in the news today. I felt like a kid in the schoolyard watching a very good friend get beat up on…BUT before I stepped up in support of the campaign, I wanted to see it for myself.
After visiting the site and getting over my knee-jerk “uht oh” reaction, I watched some videos, and guess what, they’re cute. (I loved to see people actually laughing a little when most of the time the work we do makes us want to cry). The screened videos are not pornographic, they’re not sleazy, they’re actually funny & creative, and who knows if the Supreme Court would say the videos appeal to the “prurient interest” (because no one really knows what the heck that means anyways). The bottom line is there is real value in the site, and in getting people engaged in this topic.
STRIP2CLOTHE is a great campaign because it’s clean, and yet it’s also provocative — it has provoked people to start talking. I’m stepping up to show my support. After visiting the site, it looks like good clean fun to me, and as long as it stays that way I will support it in any way that I can.
Much luck to my friends working tirelessly on this issue at Virgin Mobile RE*Generation — your team rocks! Here’s my 2 cents, and I hope it’s right on time…
I think the site is off the charts and is a great way to get peope to:
#1. have a little good clean fun while helping homeless kids, and
#2. get interested in the issue if they didn’t care before
All that said, we should expect the current criticism. In America it is so tough to talk about the truth when it comes to sex. This failure to communicate, unfortunately leads us to trouble. The trouble is serious, it means kids are left on their own while we bicker about the best ways to help. We need to get over it, and that’s difficult because it means getting over ourselves.
I’ve seen firsthand how Americans can be afraid of themselves, when it comes time to talk about anything remotely related to sex. I see it when I bring up sexual exploitation of youth, rape, and other horrors that I lived as a street kid. People shift around in their chairs, they just don’t even want to imagine the things that could happen to a 12 year old on the streets. Well, imagine it or not, it’s the truth.
Because it’s the truth, if we don’t get homeless kids some help fast, and get them noticed in mainstream, then they’ll either:
#1. have no chance at a future; and probably also
#2. be forced to have sex to survive
The business behind helping homeless kids means we’ve got to take risks. We’re competing with other charities that are far more sympathetic than teens who are having major issues. This is the right time, place, and reason to take risks.
So, I ask…
“What’s worse? Screened content that shows a few people having a good time, that is less sexy than the JCPenney catalogue? OR Letting kids live alone on the streets to be exploited by pedophiles?”
I think even my mother-in-law (love you lots b/c I know you’re reading) would agree that we should all chip in a piece of clothing that we can do without, if it means we’re saving kids from the torture I once experienced. And if you’re not into taking it off, and don’t want your teen to either then talk to them about why you think it’s wrong (an opportunity for instilling values at home), and let them know there are other ways to help homeless kids…the RE*Generation campaign that started it all was to simply text “KARMA” to 68405 . While standard text rates apply, you don’t even need to know how to make a video to give a brand new piece of clothing to a homeless kid — and if you don’t get why kids need new clothes then you’re probably on the wrong site.
For the RE*Generation crew that worked tirelessly on this campaign: Put the negative press behind you — it’s not a time to be safe. This is the type of campaign that can stop the real terror on the streets, of kids being forced to sell themselves on the streets to the real monsters.
I think in the long run the world will respond positively — America will catch up too — unless of course we remain so pent up with our own sexual frustrations that we can’t face reality, but I have faith that we can and will do the right thing!
Much love to the RE*Generation team — you guys are awesome and you’re on the right track!!!
People want to know when the documentary is going to be released. It’s so great that everyone is asking. I just screened the almost completed version and it’s BRILLIANT — Great job David!
The film is about 95% done now, and we’re anticipating premiering it at a festival in March/April of this year. We’re also going to be showing it at exclusive engagements like a screening in San Francisco in March…put together by UCLA Anderson Alum, for UCLA Alum, and some other very exclusive guests, including my Toigo family and more.
What’s up with the Motel Drive (Addams Community) project?
I’m raising funds to put together a neighborhood plan for the Motel Drive area. I’ve been working with elected officials, investors, and community members to simply establish what’s going on now and what the next steps will be. Also, very good news: a member of the Addams Community has been accepted to a master’s degree program in Los Angeles. It’s one weekend a month, so we won’t lose her in Fresno. She’ll be able to focus her project on the community that she knows and loves. I’m so excited about this and you’ll be hearing more.
What’s up with you?
I’ll be pursuing my own dreams of a balanced life this year. I have the goal of raising funds for the community development project above, I also want to take the bar exam (haven’t sat for that yet), and get out on the speaking circuit. Balancing those work and professional goals is much easier from my home base. I’m reconnecting with friends, family, and myself. I’ll have to do the “What’s up with you?” question almost daily for awhile as I discover my own inner truth about who I am, and what I want out of life.
I’d rather wear no shoes at all, than have shoes that determine my path.
The pair of shoes on the left are for kids in jail.
The pair on the right are part of my professional gear.
I’ve worn both.
Neither pair gets you very far…it’s the steps that I have taken, not the shoes that I’m wearing when I take the steps, that matter the most.
