Weekly Journal: Tuesday April 1, 2008 — April Fool’s Day!

April Fool? I remember this concept from being a child. Every time I write out April 1st, or think of the day, it comes to mind. But funny that no one played any games yet today! When we’re kids we don’t miss any opportunity to have fun do we?

If only to be more of a kid again…I honestly can’t say the exact day I stopped. One day I was teaching myself to read with the small yellow covered paper books — It was the adventures of stick figures and the occasional lion — but it really was anything I could find to read. Then suddenly the next day I had to defend myself. I was worried about being bad and getting in trouble, being hit, and quickly realizing that as a child I was somehow a burden on everyone else in the world. What a loss!

Children really are blessings, with more lessons to teach us than a thousand yogis, ten thousand gurus or messiahs.

As adults we are so preoccupied. We miss out on the simple thrills of life. We are always waiting aren’t we.

After a terrific education (an eye-opening education), I not only worry about my problems, but about all the problems in the world (and my neighborhood especially). I also spend some time recently worrying about those that want more from me than I have to offer.

But that’s all surface stuff compared to the worry I have about disappointing the people that love me. I never ever want to disappoint the people that love me.

The funny thing is the people that love me would say “DON’T WORRY! You CANNOT DISAPPOINT US!” So worry, actually doesn’t get me very far. In the spirit of giving up on things that don’t work, I’ll make a pledge today to play more and worry less!

You and I both realize that I’m letting go a little with this weekly blog…maybe it’s because I’m sitting at LAX about to board a plane for a far off place. It’s for work, but then again it’s not. It’s just exactly what I make it!

Here’s to getting childhood back after 30! I’m looking forward to the years to come, especially with love and family close by. There really is no disappointment when it’s love and family!

Buon divertimento! A presto!

Daily Journal: Day 46 is March 20, 2008 — Thursday and we’re almost through another week!

Thursday and we’re almost through another week! It happens fast, the days, the weeks, the years, and with this time and lots of patience the work gets done!

We had a very successful advanced screening of the documentary on Tuesday night in San Francisco. The film has taken time. It was 2 years in the making, with 150 hours of footage that resulted in a 23 minute picture of a transformational period of my life.

Thanks to ABC 30 Local for covering the evening by sending the SF team to The Letterman Theater on Tuesday night!

It was also so great to meet so many blog readers in person!

Apologies for having some technical and personal difficulties in posting lately. I love to write daily, and honestly I have been paused by community members’ responses to the Hacienda. It is a difficult project to explain because so many women and children need Fresno First in order to rebuild their lives. I have never been against Fresno First. I think that has been clear. I am opposed to building a project along Motel & Parkway drive that does not contribute to the community. Fresno First, on a small scale, will contribute. However, a state prison, the FRCCC does not contribute. A prison, no matter how dressed up, is not good for the community. It’s long lasting effects will hold the community back.

It has also become apparent that after locking up too many people of color for too many years, the state is saying “whoops, that was a big mistake,” and this is their answer. Their answer is a prettier, more home-like prison. Shouldn’t the answer be NO PRISON!

Before I get started down that route again, I need to lean toward the positive once more. I have so much gratitude for everyone involved in Tuesday nights event. Especially the volunteers that made it all possible! YOU WERE ALL AMAZING AND I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT!

Thanks to Lucasfilm!!! Your venue made the evening with alumni, sponsors, and friends of the project just perfect!

Thanks to UCLA Alumni for supporting this project and supporting a cause that in you may not have even known about before Tuesday night!

The entire team is now looking forward to an upcoming screening in Fresno in April! All of these venues, and screenings will generate awareness and people are already beginning to ask what is going on with the kids on Motel & Parkway Drive that are currently being exploited.

My answer is that I hope that everyone who is currently providing service will continue, and my vision is that we will build a coalition. Once we have funding for it, I will propose an ACTION Network for the entire region. This will get Dept of Children & Family Services talking to the Fresno PD, and everyone talking to the judges and the community members. The model was successful in bringing an end to street prostitution in an entire city in San Diego County, and we can learn from the model and do the same. At the heart of the model is the victim. The children are identified, and treated with care, instead of being harassed, arrested or stuck into a broken system.

I learned from a very wise Community Economic Development practitioner and trainer that awareness building is the first step needed for change! BUT nothing happens with awareness alone. The next step is deploying resources.

If you were at the screening on Tuesday night, or saw the report by ABC 30, you know I said this is a long process. And it should be. Street prostitution along Motel/Parkway/Belmont (and other areas well-known in Fresno: Downtown & Blackstone) has been going on for decades.

We don’t want to just stop it temporarily. We are looking for sustainable transformation in the community, without displacement, and that includes ensuring that the victims are able to reach their full potential in the community!

I’m going to keep the message simple in an effort to make change happen: We need #1 AWARENESS and #2 RESOURCES for the transformation of Motel & Parkway Drive to begin.

I am grateful for Fresno’s commitment to this project by both generating awareness & recognizing that it takes time, creativity, and energy to deploy our resources.

March 11, 2008 Tuesday — Which today feels like the first day of the week.

I think everyone agrees that last night was a total disaster, as far as outcomes are concerned. It was so bad that I decided to start the week fresh today. Kinda like when you have a 3-day weekend.

Why was last night’s community meeting a disaster?

It is becoming increasingly apparent that community input on the FRCCC project is not going to take place without a strong coalition and a clearly outlined process. The meetings have proven that the coalition will emerge, and once organized, the community will have the tools and resources to have their voices not only heard — but to possibly have them count.

Whether community voices will count depends on whether the correct process is in place.

More and more community members are only now learning about the project. It has been an uphill battle to educate community members because MHS and the City of Fresno have effectively clumped a state run correctional center (FRCCC) together with a reputable program (Fresno First), which is more of a rehabilitation center.

The confusion over which part of the project community members were against was not the worst part of the meeting. The lowest had to be when a 73 year old community member was expressing her views on the project. She was saying that she had spent decades buying her home. She was told to be “be quiet” by someone on the MHS panel. It was embarrassing for MHS, who has no idea how to engage the community.

So, what about tomorrow night? If MHS really wants to do well by the community they would sit down with a coalition of community leaders to come up with a Community Benefits Agreement (CBA).

The CBA is not much different from the agreement MHS has entered into with the police. It’s a plan that would ensure that MHS helps the community protect property values, increase positive economic activity, decrease criminal activity, and improve the lives of children and the elderly living in the community. It might be agreements to support staff positions in community centers, after school programming, money for teachers at Jane Addams school, as well as drainage and sidewalks, so kids in the neighborhood could safely walk to school.

LAST NIGHT WE FOUND OUT THAT KIDS IN THE PROGRAM WOULD BE TAKEN TO AND FROM SCHOOL IN A BUS. THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO WALK ON THE DIRT ROADS, OR THROUGH THE FLOODED ROADS, SO WHY SHOULD MHS CARE ABOUT THE KIDS THAT DO HAVE TO TAKE THOSE DANGEROUS ROUTES TO SCHOOL? That is the point of the CBA. Most developers do not care, until they are asked to care in order to make a project work.

If MHS is serious about community benefits, and truly believes they will have a positive impact on the community, then they will engage in talks to establish a CBA with a coalition of community groups. That will probably take more than 2 weeks, which is why these community meetings should have taken place well before MHS got this far into the project.

By the way, CBA’s are not rocket science. There are many examples and experts in CBA’s that can help this process along. Without contractual benefits for the community the CORRECTIONAL CENTER portion of this proposal (the FRCCC) guarantees that the neighborhood will not be revitalized.

Parties that benefit from this development need to make an offer to do good by the community. It hasn’t happened yet.

One thing to mention is that MHS does have the financial ability to put resources back into the community that they will negatively impact. The costs for implementing the 17 requirements the police have put on MHS will quickly reach the millions. Again, why not put those dollars into the community for the harm that is being done to the community?

I doubt that MHS will agree to meet with a community coalition to establish a CBA at tomorrow’s meeting at Jane Addams, but I know that someone will be there to ask them.

The next community meeting:

March 12th, Wednesday
Jane Addams Elementary School
Stop by at any time, but best to get there early for parking.
6:00 - 8:30 PM

March 10, 2008 — Monday

What: Community Meeting
When: TONIGHT! MARCH 10th 6 PM - 9 PM
Where: Golden Palace
The facility has a black iron fence around it. It’s Gold in color. Located between Fresno Inn & The Hacienda.
The street is Vassar, a small side street just south of Clinton off the 99
Who: Anyone in Fresno that has questions about the FRCCC — community correctional center portion of this project. The Fresno
First program is NOT being opposed by most residents in the community.

Other news related to The Carissa Project: NY Governor admits to being involved in prostitution ring!

Spitzer admits to being involved in prostitution ring.

March 9, 2008 Sunday — Everyone needs time to reflect.

It’s been great being home, and in bed by a decent hour. I just wrote the most eloquent explanation of my absence and lost it. I’m cool with that and hope you are too! Trust me that I needed the rest and reflection or I was leading to classic burnout.

I actually really need to get back to blogging because I know that many locals are reading. I’m encouraging anyone who feels a prison at the old Hacienda will have an impact on the neighborhood to show up to 1 or 2 of the upcoming meetings. They are taking place tomorrow and Wednesday and it’s the only way that the City Council can hear your concerns.

I recently learned that there was A GAG ORDER ON THE COUNCIL MEMBERS SO THAT NO ONE CAN SPEAK TO THEM ABOUT THE HACIENDA!!! NOT ME, NOT MHS, NOT PR PEOPLE FOR MHS, NOT ATTORNEYS, NO ONE.

The only word they will get from the community will come from these 2 meetings.

If you’re in Fresno, I hope that you’ve already heard about the meetings with a flier, an online notice, or a letter from the city. If haven’t heard yet here are the details:

Community Meetings March 10 & 12

Date: March 10 (Monday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 9:00 P.M.
Place: Golden Palace Banquet Facility
Address: 2625 West Vassar Avenue Fresno CA
(Access off-of West Clinton Avenue, west of State Route 99)

Date: March 12, (Wednesday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M.
Place: Jane Addams Elementary School Multi-Purpose Room
Address: 2117 West McKinley Avenue, Fresno CA

►NOTICE OF COMMUNITY MEETINGS◄
REGARDING THE FORMER “HACIENDA” MOTEL SITE

On February 26, 2008, the City Council of the City of Fresno conducted a public hearing regarding the conversion of the former “Hacienda” motel site on the north side of West Clinton Avenue, west of North Parkway Drive (2550 West Clinton Avenue) to a group home facility that will include a Female Rehabilitative Community Correctional Center (FRCCC), the Fresno First Program, and the Transitional Supportive Housing program. Many persons who attended the Council meeting indicated that they were not adequately informed of the project proposal and they wanted to have their views taken into consideration during the Council’s deliberations on this matter. Council continued their deliberations and decision on the proposed project until the March 25, 2008 (5:30 p.m.) Council meeting to allow further input from the community. In order to provide you with information concerning the project proposal, and also provide you with the opportunity to indicate your interests to the Council, the Planning and Development Department has scheduled two public meetings. Since the content of both meetings will be the same, you may attend either one of these meetings on the dates, times and places indicated below. Public comments will be forwarded to the City Council for their consideration prior to the March 25, 2008 meeting.

Date: March 10 (Monday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M.
Place: Golden Palace Banquet Facility
Address: 2625 West Vassar Avenue Fresno CA
(Access off-of West Clinton Avenue, west of State Route 99)

Date: March 12, (Wednesday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M.
Place: Jane Addams Elementary School Multi-Purpose Room
Address: 2117 West McKinley Avenue, Fresno CA

You may view the February 26, 2008 City Council staff report and related information on this project at the following website address: http://www.fresno.gov/CouncilDocs/agenda2.26.2008/530.pdf

A “Powerpoint” presentation of key facts about the proposed project can be accessed at: http://www.fresno.gov/NR/rdonlyres/D99429F3-D254-4DB1-887B-8EE8CD5CB0F8/8528/HaciendaPowerpoint.pdf

For additional information regarding the above project or meetings, contact Donn Beedle, Planning and Development Department, Planning Division, 2600 Fresno Street, Fresno, California 73721-3604, by phone at (559) 621-8037, or via e-mail at Donn.Beedle@fresno.gov.
■ ■ ■ ■ ■

► NOTIFICACION DE JUNTAS DE LA COMUNIDAD◄
SOBRE EL SITIO ANTERIOR DEL MOTEL HACIENDA

El 26 de Febrero, del 2006, el Consejo de la Ciudad de Fresno condujo una audencia pública tocante a la conversión del sitio anterior del Motel Hacienda situado al lado norte de la Avenida Clinton y oeste de North Parkway Drive (2550 West Clinton Avenue) a un grupo o facilidades de hogar que incluyen Un Centro de la Comunidad Rehabilitativa y Correccional para Mujeres (FRCCC), Fresno First Program y el Programa de Servicios y Apoyo de Vivienda Transicional.
Muchas de las personas que atendieron la junta del Consejo indicaron que no se les informó adecuadamente del propósito del proyecto y pidieron que sus puntos de vista se les tomaran en consideración durante las deliberaciones del Consejo sobre este asunto.

El Consejo continuará sus deliberaciones y tomará una decisión en el propuesto proyecto el día 25 de Marzo del 2008 a las 5:30 p.m. Antes de esta junta, se llevarán acabo dos audiencias públicas para dar información tocante al prosupuesto del proyecto y al mismo tiempo, se le dará la oportunidad a la comunidad de expresar sus intereses o commentarios al Consejo de la Ciudad de Fresno. El Departamento de Planificación a programado dos juntas. El contenido de las dos juntas será lo mismo y se puede atender cualquiera de las dos juntas en las fechas y tiempos y sitios indicados abajo. Los comentarios públicos serán presentados al Consejo de la Ciudad para su consideración antes de la junta del día 25 de Marzo del 2008.

Date: March 10 (Monday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 9:00 P.M.
Place: Golden Palace
2625 West Vassar Avenue
(Access off West Clinton Avenue, west of State Highway 99)

Date: March 12, (Wednesday), 2008
Time: 6:00 P.M. to 8:30 P.M.
Place: Jane Addams Elementary School Multi-Purpose Room
Address: 2117 West McKinley Avenue, Fresno CA

Se puede ver el Reporte del Consejo de la Ciudad de Fresno de la fecha 26 de Febrero del 2008 y toda otra información relacionada sobre este proyecto en el siguiente domicilio de la internet: http://www.fresno.gov/CouncilDocs/agenda2.26.2008/530.pdf

Una presentación de “Powerpoint” presentando la información que se va a discutir sobre este proyecto se puede obtener en el siguiente sitio de la internet: http://www.fresno.gov/NR/rdonlyres/D99429F3-D254-4DB1-887B-8EE8CD5CB0F8/8528/HaciendaPowerpoint.pdf

Para más información sobre el proyecto mencionado o sobre las juntas, por favor comuniquese con Donn Beedle, Planning and Development Department, Planning Division, 2600 Fresno Street, Fresno, California 73721-3604, by phone at (559) 621-8037, or via e-mail at Donn.Beedle@fresno.gov.

Every concern matters. Read what happened in Shasta County with a similar project last month!

Similar Community Correctional Centers rejected in Shasta County — and it Started with Community Meetings!

RE-ENTRY SITE REJECTED IN SHASTA COUNTY

February 27, 2008 Wednesday — Back from the wedding & family moon!

Last night the council voted to have the Hacienda conditional use permit decision postponed until March 25th to give the community, the planning commission, the city and the county government more time to weigh in and learn more about the proposed use. This is good news! http://www.fresnobee.com/263/story/425058.html

Other good news: This morning the USATODAY article was in the paper and I really liked it, but couldn’t help but comment on it after I read other comments. It’s probably because I haven’t blogged in forever, and I really needed to get some things out. Especially needed to say how fantastic it is to be married to such a wonderful human being. Cole really is genuine and friendly, and he cares. And what I realized this week on our “family moon” is that this is the first constructive & romantic relationship I have ever been in — he really does build me up and I love him for that. I think I do the same for him and that’s why it’s special, and it probably has a lot to do with us being friends for so long and having a great deal of respect for each other.

I’m not planning a relationship book anytime soon, so I’ll stop there, but just wanted to take a chance to say how happy I am being married and having a family.

MY COMMENT TO THE USATODAY ARTICLE:

I know that an article can never say it all, and to those who have commented, thanks for taking the time.

There is one thing I’d like to clarify — The Hacienda project is a not just a halfway house. It includes a prison, with California Department of Corrections & Rehabilitation running & paying for the facility.

The applicant for the Conditional Use Permit, Mental Health Systems, Inc did a “bate & switch” on the planning commission and was not clear about what they were building. The fight has been to ensure that the community has a say when the city decides to allow a 400 person facility to come into the community. It’s a fight for process and for facts. I agree that prisoners, and parolees will need a place to receive treatment, but research says that smaller is better — so why 400 and why in this neighborhood where prostitution is the #1 form of employment for women?

This push back from the community has been about getting a service provider and the state to work collaboratively with a community that has been disenfranchised. In my limited experience in life, and in this field, when people tell the truth and work collaboratively there are better outcomes.

I have been talking to the applicant for the CUP for about a month trying to find out why they needed to have the prison component. The halfway house was not opposed by the community, but the prison needs to be evaluated separately. It’s a different use than what the applicant originally asked for and told the community they were getting — the “bate & switch.”

*****

There are other nuances in the story, like why I “disliked” the first group home “instantly and ran away.”

There is a great study (found it on Providence After School Alliance website www.mypasa.org) that basically says given a choice kids will choose “no program” over “a poorly run program” almost always.

I didn’t know much at 12 about the streets, or about how to protect myself, but I think that report says it all and puts the pressure where it belongs — on society. We’re already spending the money and now we need to be sure to spend it wisely on programs that actually work — not just the ones we like but the ones the kids like INSTANTLY!

If you’re a solution oriented person and would like some quality improvement strategies visit: http://www.mypasa.org/index.php?id=1083

Finally, my favorite comment to respond to is the one that I won’t have time for my family. I love and cherish my family over everything else. Anyone who knows me knows that my heart belongs at home…I just hadn’t found one until now.

Carissa

p.s. I LOVE YOU COLE CLEMENT. You’re my best friend, and you know I tell you all the time that you make it possible for me to do everything I do. It’s true! I am here for you and for our family always b/c without you I wouldn’t have a safe place to be me.

February 19, 2008 Tuesday - Meetings and packing up for Florida!

I get the feeling that Monday was busy. I was exhausted but didn’t sleep much on Monday night because I was honestly a little nervous about a meeting I had this morning. It wasn’t nervousness I guess as much as simply being curious about who I was going to meet. It turned out to be more than wonderful and as far as trust and circles of trusts go mine just grew a little bigger. That’s a very cool and a very rare feeling for me, so it was a great meeting and a great morning.

Later in the day there was the debrief of the meeting and the preparing for vacation. I’m off to sleep now because our flight is out of LA and we have a long drive tomorrow morning. Everyone has been so great and is wishing us well on the journey! Hopefully we’ll be back and all ready for catching up with friends on a regular basis soon.

I’m surrounded by joy and peace and love and happiness…and I’m going to Disney World!!!

I’ll post pictures when I can as my dailies and if you visit to read the blog and I’m not around for a few days just know that I am having the time of my life and starting our new family!

Speaking of family…

My baby brother will also be on a flight to Florida tomorrow! He’ll be giving me away on Thursday thanks to a friend who mentioned it and then I just couldn’t let the thought go!!! Also thanks to Continental vouchers and allowing me to get a ticket for him!

We’ll miss my baby brother’s GF — (Good luck on your exams BB!) She’s going to CSUF to be a detective. She’s super great and I’m so happy for my baby brother. (He’ll miss you for sure and I know he is sacraficing to be by my side.) What a great man!

xxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

I’ll miss my other siblings and especially my nieces & nephews. I can’t wait to see and talk to you AR & you’re always on my mind. I know times are tough right now, and you know that I am here for you always. When I’m back we’ll get together and just have some good auntie and niece time together. That goes for the rest of the kids as well. I really miss ya and you know I love you ALL so much! XOXOXO. aunt Carissa!!!

February 18, 2008 Monday — President’s Day!

You must delegate. At least it’s what I hear that is what most great leaders would tell you. Along with: The greatest thing I did was surround myself with people that were greater than me.

Today’s blog recognizes what others have done to get this project where it is today:
http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/story?section=news/local&id=5965478

It also expresses the gratitude I have for the entire team and all our supporters. “Thank you for believing in me. I needed it!”

And most importantly it says how grateful I am for my “un”planned wedding because I didn’t want to plan a BIG wedding, but I did still want to have the BEST wedding to mark the occasion. I’ve been super busy with the Hacienda, and I have to give an extra special THANK YOU to Cole & to our moms (Barbara & Lynn) who have been able to plan what I am sure is the most thoughtful and beautiful “un”planned wedding ever dreamed of!!!

February 17, 2008 Sunday — The natural “recognize your blessings & make time for those blessings” day! until of course it became a “I have a whole lot of work to do before I leave to Florida to get married” day!

I woke up early this morning and wrote a blog for Sunday…hope it makes sense.

*****************************************************************************************************

I was at Chuckchansi last night and hung out with two of my baby brothers. That was cool! I couldn’t have done that in Los Angeles at the last minute. We were there for my baby bro’s girlfriend’s birthday. Her little brother was also celebrating.

It was a super special night for me and here’s why…

The other day my little brother pointed out that I have always done “stuff” with other people’s family. He’s referring to everything from vacations to holidays, and he’s right. The only times that I have spent holidays with my family is when I hosted the Thanksgiving holiday in 2002. I was teaching high school at the time and living with a longterm boyfriend for a couple of years. We lived a super structured life. He was in the military so everything was set to a T, including laundry day, grocery day, and bill day!

As it turned out, there was very little substance behind that routine, but it was a routine nonetheless and it helped me get stuff done.

It also allowed for more time with other people, friends & family. The day to day was predictable and it made it possible for me to be “available.” I was probably the most unhappy that I have ever been, so I don’t know how fun I was, but I was there and being there is the most important! Besides, I learned from my boyfriend that the best thing to do sometimes was to cover all the junk up with smiles and laughter, and I did.

The one dissatisfaction I could not live with was with my career. My ex reminded me recently that he wanted me to keep a job at a feed-lot, even after I was sexually harassed because he wasn’t sure how we’d live if I went back to school for my BA! I didn’t think twice when I left that job and we struggled, but ultimately I wanted to be a lawyer, so I found my way back to school and graduated from Fresno State with a BA in Mathematics, summa cum laude!

The pursuit of the BA was close to home. I was able to keep a routine, and a part time job. I taught high school for a year while applying to law school, and ultimately I abandoned the routine to further my education in graduate school. I basically told everyone “you won’t hear from me for the next three years,” and that turned into four years when I added the MBA.

During my first months of law school the routine began to fall apart at the seams.

I won’t go into all the details here because they are personal to someone else. What I will say is that I had no idea what I was about until I broke from the routine and hit the bottom with a shattered heart, and felt my life in fall to pieces. I was crushed, and all the false smiles and laughter in the world were not going to allow me to float to the top.

I needed to get to the bottom of who I was and what I set out to do by going to law school…my personal journey began.

What I discovered along this journey alone, was that there are many parts of me that are valuable. I recognized my potential once again, and I hung on to that word. I started to look at myself from a different perspective. I could be happy, and maybe I didn’t need a routine to get there. I lived a life that was carefree — and as a result I did not make time or effort to be with my friends and family.

I regret that part — the missing time with family and friends won’t come back to me.

I have 10 brothers and sisters, multiple aunts and uncles and cousins, and many many friends that have always loved me in their own ways. I wish that I had seen my baby brothers more, my sisters, and my nieces and nephews. Instead I used law school, and then my search for truth as an excuse to distance myself from everyone who had ever mattered to me.

What I might have said to everyone (had I had the insight) was: PLEASE WAIT FOR ME. I AM ON A JOURNEY TO FIGURE OUT WHO I AM AND WHAT I’M MADE OF. IF YOU DON’T SEE ME FOR AWHILE LOOK FOR ME. KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AS I ALWAYS HAVE. AND WHEN I RETURN TO YOU I WILL A BETTER ME.

I don’t think I would have had to abandon my friends and family had we all been functional, but we weren’t. I was running from our dysfunction, thinking that if I ran from it I would find happiness with another family, in another world, or possibly on my own. That never happened. The reality is that my family is still dysfunctional, and since I left and focused on school and myself I am more educated and well-rounded.

There is no magic to family. There is no way to make it all better. It takes hard work individually to break free from dysfunction and choose another route. It’s about finding the balance. Making the time for the people you love. The next big step for me is about making the time to make my own life “functional” for relationships. I have the degrees, I have all the opportunity and guess what? My family is still my family.

My family is not a mom & dad, a brother & sister, but it includes all those parts and more. It’s a dad named Ron and a mom named Barbara, and a mentor named Marx, that many of the people I grew up around don’t even know. Those three, and many more make me a whole person. Yet, my “family” biologically doesn’t know them…when you’re not born with a strong supportive mom & dad life takes on interesting forms. We survive! We thrive! And we still don’t ever abandon our families!

Family is our beginning no matter how bad it is. The time that I was in grad school I rarely called to check in with siblings, I did not make small efforts, and neither did they. Because I planned nothing in my life, I had nothing. I had no time for anyone except me. I was selfish. For that brothers, sisters, and nieces, nephews, and aunties, cousins, and friends, I am sorry.

Life after graduate school is the same for everyone — it requires work-life balance. Whether you’re a mom, a wife, or a sister, brother, niece, nephew, friend or daughter. It requires that you make time for others, first by making time for you with a schedule, then following it so that your plans can include others. It alls seems so basic, and that’s okay with me. I need the basics.

Now let me get into the present moment…I wouldn’t have recognized any of that without someone special in my life right now. It’s not that I wouldn’t have cared to learn all of it, it’s just that it’s really difficult to see yourself honestly unless you can trust someone else and get feedback. That feedback is essential, so much so that most successful people credit all their success to that someone else in their lives.

Here’s the proof: Every time someone accepts a big award don’t they say: “I couldn’t have done it without my husband / wife.” I discounted the statement until I until that special person came into the life I had constructed on my own.

To let you know how much I discounted it, I used to think people just said that to make the other person feel good during their big moment, so they weren’t left out. Thankfully I had it all wrong!

The reason that husband/wife is so important is that trusting in someone’s love for you makes you accountable to them. When you’re accountable, both on the inside with your conscience and on the outside with your actions, you will become a better person all around. And eventually you will accomplish very big things that were not possible when you were alone.

I love my family, I love my friends, and I love myself. I have room for me, I have room for family, and I have room for friends, and without ALL of us I am without a life.

I couldn’t have realized that very basic fact without someone special in my life. Thank you for being kind and patient with me Cole. I love you and some day when something big happens for me I am sure I will say to the world: “I couldn’t have done any of it without my husband.”

February 16, 2008 Saturday — To do: (1) Write vows.

My only rule of thumb: Write vows that you’ll live by, write your truth.

I think some things are better at home, like love and intimacy. But when I thought about this story I couldn’t help but share it. Here is the story of how I began to write the words that expressed what a partnership means to me…

When I see me through your eyes I see a “good” me.

I stood in the doorway to the kitchen and you looked at me. You kissed me and I said “how could you not” … you had said a moment before “you know I love you” and then I said (smiling big of course) “how could you not.”

That could sound bad, so I clarified it to you.

“I didn’t always know that I could be loved, but when you say it I do know it. When you say it, I see me through your eyes and when I see me through your eyes I see a good me.”

I realized and said to you instantly, “I think I just wrote my vows.”

It’s just the start, but it’s something I can live by. Something that is honest and from my heart. And that’s how I wrote the first 12 words that will make a lasting impact on my perception of us forever. Then I wrote more…from all sides, from all perspectives I could take, from the height of a bird’s eye in the sky, and from this kitchen doorway, you and I appear to have made life more for each other.

You’re the best partner for this fun life, for this day-to-day life, for this year-to-year life, and you make me a better me.

Better me. Better you. I love you!!!