Week 4
Week 4: Tuesday — I’m just about feeling better.
I’ve been sick for too long! It turns out that the cold, or flu, or whatever I had turned into a sinus infection, and then I realized when my head was throbbing that I actually have allergies! What a mess. Long story short, I had to go to LA to take a breath of “fresh” air. I just wasn’t breathing here in the valley. It’s a new experience for me and I hope it won’t take too long to get used to it again.
Well besides starting to feel better, I’m also feeling absolutely terrific about having the documentary in the Fresno Film Festival. It was a good turnout, and I loved getting the local feedback, including “best documentary” award. My favorite comment of the day was from a friend from law school who said, “I liked it. I guess I thought it would be more glamorous, but it was honest.”
I liked that comment so much because I know what I look like to everyone else. I look all put together…or at least like I think I have it all put together. I look a little glam sometimes, I do sometimes give full attitude, my laugh alone has been the topic at many dinner parties. I’m not quiet, meek, or hiding from the world. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of that fact…until today.
Today I was going about my “to do” list, getting stuff ready, signing up for review courses for the bar exam, sending emails for outlines, and also corresponding to let people know that I’d be a little out of touch while I was studying. I was moving along fine until I got a phone call that reminded me just how un-glam this life choice really is. I can try to hide behind pretty dresses, make-up, and great lighting, but what this is really about is still very ugly.
Today I realized what my demons were all about. I had been going about the last week feeling great. Many more very good days than bad days, and all of the sudden I could not feel. Not feeling is “normal” for me when it comes to the day-to-day, but I have been trying my best to change that. If you’ve seen the documentary you might remember my personal cam…I think I say something like: “I’m not there yet, but I will be.”
Well, I’m still not THERE yet, but I’m closer. Today could have been a major set-back, but instead when the trigger went off I let the feelings come through. It took a while to realize why I was shutting down, but when I did I was hit with the memory of a woman who witnessed me being raped. She was in the room. Hiding under a blanket. I was 12 years old and she was in her 20’s. I remember thinking that she was faking sleep. She was afraid of him, just as much as I was. I didn’t expect her to get up. I thought it was better if she just stayed sleeping, better for both of us. Those memories ricocheted through my mind, my heart, and I let them. I let myself be sad, and then I was done with it. I never cried about that moment before. It was a lost moment. A moment where both of us were losing a bit of our humanity, and we both knew it, but were restrained from acting. I now more completely understand the moment for what it was…very very human.
Today I know that there is another 12 year old out there, a 13 year old, a 14 year old, and they are facing the ill-est sides of humanity all alone. They hardly have the time, resources, or slightest chance to ever make sense of any of it. I hope we can change that soon…I know one thing is for sure, I still need your help, just like I did then. Even if it is just cheering me on through the bar exam, or sending donations to organizations that save lives, or volunteering in your community. Please do what you can to save generations of the forgotten and overlooked. Remember that I was the kid that was just “too difficult” … please look at kids without judgment and do what Ron did for me: ASK HOW THEY GOT THERE FIRST.