There doesn’t seem to be a video online of the interview yesterday, and I know a few people were interested.

Here is the transcript and I’ll look into getting a copy of the interview online.

Transcript can also be accessed at: http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0806/25/cnr.06.html

************************************************************************************************************

LEMON: Cracking down on the child sex trade — today the FBI announced a nationwide round-up of suspected customers and purveyors of child prostitution. The FBI says 345 people have been picked up in the dragnet and 21 children were taken to safety. The arrests went down coast to coast in cities including Washington, D.C. , Los Angeles, even Toledo, Ohio. Now the announcement comes on the fifth anniversary of the Innocence Lost Initiative, which is credited with rescuing hundreds of children from the clutches of sexual predators.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ROBERT MUELLER, FBI DIRECTOR: Our efforts have led to the recovery of 433 child victims. Just this past week, the FBI joined our law enforcement partners in a five day national enforcement action. This operation, known as Operation Cross Country, included takedown operations in 16 cities across the country and led to the removal of 21 children from the cycle of victimization.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

LEMON: Well, authorities say the children most vulnerable to sexual predators are runaways.

PHILLIPS: Well, Carissa Phelps knows firsthand what it’s like to be sexually exploited. Years ago, when Carissa Phelps was just 12 years old, her mother dropped her off at juvenile hall. She ended up on the streets of Fresno, California. Well, a pimp found her and her life as a child prostitute began.

She tells her disturbing story in the documentary, “Carissa.”

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CARISSA PHELPS, SURVIVOR OF CHILD PROSTITUTION: There’s a trucker that drove me behind that motel in an empty lot. There’s (INAUDIBLE) in crack cocaine and forcing me to smoke it in Palm Court Motel. I really didn’t want to smoke. I really didn’t want to smoke it. And he forced me to smoke it. And he said I would like it. And I — I started faking a seizure. I didn’t know what else to do.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PHILLIPS: Well, since then, she’s gotten off the streets and earned an MBA and a law degree from UCLA.

Carissa Phelps joins me now live from Fresno.

You are one amazing woman, Carissa. I’m just going to start right out with that.

PHELPS: Thank you, Kyra.

PHILLIPS: Tell me…

PHELPS: Thank you, Kyra.

PHILLIPS: We set up what had happened.

But how did you get out? PHELPS: It was luck, pure luck, I think. At the time, children like me, runaways, were just seen as a nuisance — a public nuisance and shifted around from group homes in and out of juvenile hall and were never really asked the right questions about what was going on with them on the streets. And kids — kids that have been molested, kids that have been raped, even adults, don’t talk about these abuses readily.

So people were just shifting me in and out of juvenile hall, in and out of group homes. And I was continuing to be exploited on the streets every time I went out and thinking that that was the life that I was destined for maybe forever, until — until some really great luck.

PHILLIPS: Well, what’s the memory that haunts you the most?

And when did that luck change?

PHELPS: It’s being held by a pimp and told that I was nothing, being degraded and forced, like I said in the video, at 12 years old, to smoke crack. I was terrified. And I think I thought my life was over at that time. I didn’t think anybody was looking for me and I didn’t think that anybody cared, until I met Ron Jenkins, actually.

He was a counselor in juvenile hall who had his own rough childhood and decided to work with kids. And he still works with kids today. And he was amazing. He just reached out to me and he asked me for the first time in two years what had happened to me on the streets. And once that information was out, then I was able to get the counseling that I needed — the counseling that I needed, the support network that I needed. And Ron was a central figure in all of that.

PHILLIPS: It always takes a mentor or a role model.

Well, the FBI announced this arrest of 300 plus people, Carissa, that were involved in this child prostitution ring.

Is that moving in the right direction, is that enough?

Or do you look at that and think that’s not even the beginning?

PHELPS: I think we’re moving in the right direction. I’m really going to be interested to see how these cases play out when they’re prosecuted, because we have the Traffic Victim Protection Act that will protect U.S. citizen victims — child victims of sex trafficking. And we’ll see if this gets enforced, if the U.S. attorney does the job that it should do, we will see what happens.

And I think that what comes out of those cases will need to be publicized so that people understand that they will be held accountable if they engage in sexual activities with minors. These aren’t — just because they’re runaway kids, just because nobody is looking out for them or has taught them maybe right from wrong, they are not going to be ignored by our communities and our society anymore.

PHILLIPS: Well, I know that you meet with a lot of these kids.

And when you look them in the eye, especially the 12-year-olds, you probably see yourself.

What do you say to them?

PHELPS: I just let them know life is going to be OK. It’s going to be great. And that they’re going to be able to get through it. They need to ask for the help that they need and deserve and really get involved in therapy, get the help that they need and find a safe place to be. A lot of us, when I was on the streets, we didn’t want to be at home. And we didn’t know how to ask the right people how to place us in group homes or foster care. And I think that’s another big, big fault with the system is that kids aren’t given a voice. And they really need to be able to ask for what they need.

PHILLIPS: Well, you’re a courageous woman, Carissa Phelps.

I encourage everyone to see your documentary, Carissa.

And thanks for sharing your time with us today.

PHELPS: Thank you so much.

June 25, 2008 Wednesday — You just never know…and then CNN calls

You just never know what your role is when you’re trying to create a social movement, or a paradigm shift. These are things that don’t happen overnight, or with one movie, one song, or one person. It’s a widespread effort. There are so many people and projects fighting to recognize the forgotten victims on the streets…the children who are without families, and without any protection. And today we all got a little bit of our payoff.

This morning I broke out of my study routine, and my usually sweat pants and tank top attire, for a CNN interview. Seems that as I have been taking practice exams and hitting the books, the FBI Innocence Lost Project has been working on a crack down on child prostitution rings in the U.S.

Here’s the story: http://www.officer.com/web/online/Top-News-Stories/FBI-Announces-Child-Prostitution-Takedown/1$42006

I’ll post my interview with CNN as soon as I have it. (If anyone records CNN it was on at around 1240 p.m. PST.)

The crack down, and the fact that 21 children were brought to safety made me so appreciative for all of you.

THANK YOU for getting this message out.

Like I said earlier, you just never know what your role is when something like this happens, but I think it’s important for all of us to take a moment and realize we can make a difference. It started this week with the FBI saving 21 young lives.

The US Attorney will prosecute most of the cases against the pedophiles, pimps, and adult prostitutes. During the trials the most important job the US Attorney will have is to ensure that the 21 children are properly cared for. The only way to do that is to work with the experts. Rachel with GEMS in NY, Lois with Children of the Night, and a handful of other people in the country who know what they’re talking about when it comes to caring for children that have been victimized by pimps.

Unfortunately, most of the time the children do not have family’s that can work through these issues. Most of the children that are preyed upon are runaways and throw aways. Some are even sold into prostitution by their families.

I will do my best to inquire about the care for the 21 children. We should ensure they are not punished, and that they have a chance at having a normal life. The work does not stop at breaking up the prostitution rings. This nightmare really is not over until the healing process begins, and childhoods are lived out.

So, what will happen after the case is closed?

I think it’s my job to ask the right questions. If there is not a plan, then I’d like to help create one. If there is no money for a plan, then let’s get some. Let’s try to get the $10 million for emergency shelters that was cut out of the Traffic Victim Protection Act of 2005 put back in the budget (I heard sadly it was an easy cut to make to help pay for the war).

Let’s not let these 21 saved lives, or any others, get lost in the system again.

I’m looking forward to getting back to work on this in a big way when I am a licensed attorney. Until then, let’s pray for the children that were saved, and the thousands more that are still out there.

Thanks to all of you for your support, I do believe that we’re making a difference!

Thanks to the FBI Innocence Lost Project, I know they’re working hard to end this nightmare and I support them 1000%!!!

————————

One more note about the CNN interview that deserves it’s own book. When I was asked how my life turned around, I talked again about Ron Jenkins. I can’t wait to share more about this amazing mentor in my life…it really does belong in a book or feature film.

Ron was my counselor in juvy when I was 13 years old. He was also the first person to ask me what happened to me on the streets. I lost contact with Ron for over a decade, and only reconnected when I was graduating from his alma mater, Fresno State! (GO DOGS!!!)

If you haven’t seen it yet, Ron is the star of the documentary. He’s also the star of my childhood, because he saved it!

All these years later, Ron is still the most positive role model I could ask for. He’s my saving grace, and when you watch the interview, you’ll see me go from somber to lit up when I talk about him. We all need a Ron, and we should all remember it’s not too tough to be a Ron either. You just have to do your job and ask the right questions.

Thanks again for all of YOU and YOUR support!

Carissa

“I was losing interest in politics, when the repeal of the Missouri Compromise aroused me again. What I have done since then is pretty well known.” - Abraham Lincoln

June 17, 2008 — Tuesday and my first politically themed blog. Forgive me not.

I have stayed away from politics at family gatherings and on the blogs, but silently and suddenly a new type of candidate has, in Lincoln’s words, “aroused me again.”

I used to be a bit of a political activist, but I have been losing it over the last few years. I joined the ranks of the politically exhausted. I have pretty much been resolved to poor leadership, thinking my job was in the trenches improving systems & processes.

This year I have been embarrassed to even say how much I did not care about the presidential race, but all of that surprisingly and quietly came to an end last week when Hillary Clinton stepped away from the podium.

I was becoming a typical Gen-X’er … disinterested and apathetic. And I thought Clinton, despite challenges, would be ushered into The White House. It was clear that she had a powerful political machine growing around her for decades, so how could she lose? But when she did lose, state by state, primary by primary, it surprised me.

I absolutely appreciate HC’s dedication to our country. She does not have to do what she does — and she always has had the very best intentions. I like that she put it all on the line, and beat down barriers for women, but this country (sadly) is not prepared for a woman president…YES I really think that and it deserves more explanation, so I’ll explain:

It was never okay for HC to be power driven. That was deemed a negative, and because she was a woman she needed to justify why she was seeking such a powerful leadership position. Why wouldn’t she just want to stay at home, or relax, or adopt children? Those are the qualities we value in women, and they’re great, but they’re also misdirected. Leaders are leaders, male or female. Homemakers are homemakers, male or female. We need each other to get through life. That’s the catch. As more women enter the ranks of “leader” we all have feared losing the stability of the home, but that doesn’t have to happen. There are plenty more men who would love to be homemakers, just like there are plenty more women who would love to be leaders. That’s all I have to say about that issue for now, but it’s so true. I hope in my lifetime we can begin to support people to do what they want to do, instead of prescribing lives based on gender.

Back to HC’s race…Clinton was not able to show her true self in her campaign. For too long she (and the rest of us women) have been holding onto a picture of a woman from the past. Women are more like men, and men are more like women, than we want to admit. Women leaders are just as power driven as any man, and men that stay at home with the kids are just as interested in the carpool gossip and the class bully as any woman at home would be.

My point is that Clinton had all the INSIDE support to become president that any man could ever want, and it actually worked against her because political INSIDERS are way out of fashion this season. She should have known that, and she probably did, on a gut level. At that point when she realized that she should start kicking people out of the kitchen, and whip up her own dish, she didn’t or maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she had surrounded herself with too many cooks for too long. I think she wasn’t sure what she should do, and that’s okay, except when you’re running for president.

It would have had to have been a very quick and seemingly irrational decision to say good-bye to those that had loved her for so long. Not even a man would have been able to reason with the momentum and the money that was behind Clinton.

I have watched nervously as Clinton journeyed where no woman had ever gone before. I have admired her commitment from far off, and I felt like she was holding back. I think this new journey she’s on will be an exciting one. I want to see Clinton with the gloves off, and outside the political machine. Maybe now that the pressure is off she can bring it!

I have to admit that even Barrack, who has been rewriting history in every primary, was not bringing me out of my political slump as quickly as I had expected. I did make a very early $25 contribution, when a close friend sent me an email request, but at the time it felt more like buying a lottery ticket. I could remember thinking “what are the chances!”

Now that it’s happening and the world may once again enjoy eloquence, passion, and commitment coming out of that big white house, it’s beginning to sink in. Barrack is no insider. He does not have a powerful political machine, he has my close friends and allies who send emails and wake people up to the idea that politics could be fun again. Now that we can actually think about rethinking foreign and domestic policy, and improving the economy with a new deal for the working class, we are beginning to resemble the America that Gen-X’ers actually adore!!!

June 10-15, 2008 Make up blog — No sense to gas prices and no sense in rushing anywhere.

I’m so caught up in studying every moment for the Bar at then end of July. I blogged the other day in my head, but never made up enough time studying to get to the computer. (For all those in email land, I’LL BE BACK in August!)

Anyways the blog was rolling through my head, when I was temporarily away from the studying and away from home. I don’t want to complain about the gas prices (in Europe it’s 2X as much), but what I do want to complain about are those drivers who still insist on riding my tail for going too slow!

I thought by now everyone understood how much gas you could save when you’re not pushing on the gas pedal constantly!!! I’m not saying I like the prices where they are at, I don’t. There is no way for us to catch up to the fuel prices. We can’t give or receive pay raises fast enough. But, I’m not one to focus on the things I can’t control. Instead I prefer to do things that give me the illusion of control, and since we’re all in this gas crisis together, I thought it might be a nice group experiment.

So, what’s my big illusion…simple, JUST DRIVE SLOWER. I don’t crawl through town at dangerously slow speeds. I just go the speed limit, even on these country roads. I know, it sounds funny to all those individuals who actually drive the speed limit, but for those of us who have always lived in the “5 to 9 mph over is safe” — the speed limit is a big deal.

So this blog struck me when I was tailed on my way to and from Curves (my new workout spot). I know that I’m not rushing to work or doctor’s appointments. The truth is that I’m going from studying to workout and back to studying — of course I’m driving slow!!!

But indulge me for a second!

What’s the best way to get a driver’s attention? You’re right…a bumper sticker. And if you could make them laugh then you really have a shot at getting what you want. There are tons of great bumper messages out there but the very best and longest lasting have something to do driving.

I don’t make bumper stickers, and I’m not working for Curves either. But I just thought it would be great if someone would make me a bumper sticker that said: “GET OFF MY *SS — I’M SAVING GAS!”

I think there can be an entire movement behind the idea. When you’re late to work next week just say to your boss: “I wanted you to know that I’m 5 minutes late because I’m trying to drive slower and save money so that you (BOSS) don’t have to pay me more to cover the increase in the cost of living.”

Maybe you’re boss will say THANK YOU! But I suggest you leave five minutes earlier starting on Day 2, and end up in work on time by the end of the week!

And what about those drivers that are in a hurry all the time. How could we make them happier? How about a slight change to the bumper message: “GET OFF MY *SS — I’M SAVING U GAS!”

Again, I’m NOT giving up my career and passions to make bumper stickers, but it’s where my thoughts went while I was out. And believe me that it’s better for me to share these thoughts rather than the ones that I’m forcing in there about contracts, evidence, torts, and more…

Last thought: In case you’re worried…I’m really not losing it. Just trying to lighten up and have a little fun. Also, if you are a bumper sticker maker or have the follow through to make these then good luck — I hope this one sticks! It might even save lives and gas and jobs!

Friends of the film,

“Carissa” has just been accepted to Docuweek, … “Carissa” will play at the Arclight Cinema in Los Angeles for one week at the end of August.

The International Documentary Association [IDA] received 120+ documentary short submissions and selected only four. We can add this to the following victories for the film:

* Jury Prize, Best Documentary Short, Newport Beach Film Festival
* Jury Prize, Best Documentary Short, Connecticut Film Festival
* Jury Prize, Best Short, New York City PictureStart Film Festival
* Audience Award, Documentary, Fresno Film Festival
* Featured in USA Today and Good Morning America

[The film also screened] on Friday, July 11 at 8:35 PM at the Roxie in San Francisco as part of the Frozen Film Festival.

Carissa is sponsored by Virgin Mobile and the Los Angeles Dodgers Dream Foundation, executive produced by Jamie McCourt and Davis Guggenheim, and produced by Carissa Phelps, Chad Troutwine and yours truly.

Thanks so much for all your support, and I’ll continue to pass along any big news.

David

May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings?

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

May 28, 2008 Wednesday — My mind is on evidence, but I won’t bore you

According to my bar study I’m officially in Week 1 of my 2 month long bar review course. I have been studying the last two weeks — in the pre bar review course. I learned a ton of rules, and some of it is sticking. That’s a good sign, considering after 30 things don’t stick that well OR maybe that’s just an excuse b/c by 30 there are so many other things to do.

Despite all the great fun things to do in life these days, I’ve been taking practice tests for the multiple choice section of the bar exam — called the MBE. In total the California Bar Exam is 3 days long. It will be July 29-30-31. While I have been studying, I have also been getting on with the big things in life. Cole and I have our official first place together, and that is awesome! We are enjoying making our home together. In addition, I have a nice place to walk our dogs around in the morning. It helps with the study routine to get out of the routine…routinely!

I haven’t had much energy or desire to blog lately. I guess I haven’t had anything to really say until today.

I was motivated to write today when I was reading “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert. http://www.randomhouse.com/kvpa/gilbert/

The book was a gift from a mentor, and I have to say that I’ve enjoyed every gift this mentor has given to me. I knew it would be a fun book (b/c he said he laughed at every page) and so I was drawn to it to escape from the relevance & character of evidence.

I’m only into chapter 2, so I can’t really spoil it for anyone. First let me say that you should read the book. Most of my friends (esp. JW) would completely enjoy this book as much as me.

Here’s less about the book and more what it got me thinking about:

#1: We are all extremely lucky that the author, and so many others like him, are NOT lawyers!

When I first decided to go to law school, I did not know a single lawyer, yet I thought it was the only noble and useful profession in the world. It was the only profession where I would be respected, and get things done. Well, by the time I got into law school I did meet a few attorneys. I expected them all to be happy for me — to cheer me on, and yet none of them did. The best and brightest said: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AND DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL WITH YOUR LIFE.

I couldn’t really understand, until now Gilbert explained how we (as humans) make the future out to be something it probably won’t be — e.g., my fantasies about what great things I could do as a lawyer!

But the real reason I started thinking about any of this is because I really am so grateful that Gilbert himself is not a lawyer. I am so grateful that so many other people in the world are doing useful things with their lives (a caveat: this includes some lawyers). I’m also selfishly so pleased that intelligence is not monopolized by evidence instructors that tell bad jokes (but I love you for trying!)

#2) It is possible to be “too smart for your own good” or at least your own happiness.

I take this from a reference to third-party research in Gilbert’s book. It basically says that people who truly understand their true odds in gambling, or in life, are really less happy. Apparently sometimes “fuzzy math” means happiness. Believing in something just might be enough to make you happy. AND unfortunately what smart people often do is look for ways to negate everything. We might be perfect mathematicians and scientists, but we probably haven’t put ourselves out there at all. We’re boring people. We always have the answers, and we just know they are right: 2 + 2 = 4.

AND YET even us smart people realize that our happiness seems to be dependent on (at least sometimes) believing the impossible — can 2 + 2 = 400?

That thought just makes me smile.

Especially because it makes me think of Cole & I. When we first started dating it was him and me. 1 + 1 = 2, but then all the sudden I realized it really was more like 1 + 1 = 3 because we had a whole family; then add our pets and 1 + 1 = 3 + 4 pets! AND THEN add all the added days that he and I are happier (and closer to our true selves) because we’re together and the equation suddenly changes to 2 + 2 = 400!

It’s actually better than I could have imagined!

Anyways, for all of you still doing the straight up math. The “right answers” like 2 + 2 = 4 are a fine start, BUT a word of caution: TAKE TIME TO ADD UP THE REST WHEN YOU GET TO IT! Or, you might just risk losing something because your mind won’t even acknowledge it is there.

What’s the point of these seemingly pointless ramblings? COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, EVEN THE ONES YOU HAVE NOT ACCOUNTED FOR YET — if for nothing else, then because they are coming, and if they’re not coming, it’s better for you if you believe they will!

Week 5: May 6, 2008 Tuesday — A great news day! Preceded by Monday which were more challenging.

The road block on my “interior journey” … the one question everyone asks me at every screening is how my relationship is with my mother. The real honest answer is “I don’t know” and “it’s my fault because I want to reach out and I’m afraid of rejection.”

I never gave the honest answer because I honestly didn’t know it until yesterday when I saw her. I met with my biological mom yesterday. I had to get something off my chest. I needed to tell her that I appreciated that she was not a drug addict, and she didn’t beat us. I told her that I thought her being good with us as babies is what gave us a chance. Me, my baby brothers, my older sisters, we are all human. We have our challenges of course, but we also have mental capacity and a ton of potential.

The recognition that my mom deserved some credit came after my baby bro took home the first prize in the Fresno State business plan competition on May 3rd!!! I’m so proud of him, and our older sister who is on his 3 person team. I have always seen something great in my baby brother, and my other siblings, they’re talented! We all have POTENTIAL to meet just about any challenge we are faced with. We have tenacity and we have smarts. I want to be proud of that and I want my mom to be proud of the fact that she left that potential in tact. She may have left me when I was 12, but for some reason her loving me from 0-3 made the most impact on me in my 3-0’s.

So I drove to Coalinga yesterday and I thanked her for giving me a chance to be great.

I even went a little further. I told her I would be here for her. That it mattered to me that she was around for a long time, and I said I thought I owed her something for the chance she gave us all in life. And that was just Monday!

So moving on to the exterior road block: I’m at risk of being marginalized, pushed out, or cast aside for demanding too much…

After “The Hacienda” issue and realizing the shambles the city is in, and has been in, I was feeling like I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I wasn’t sure if I was cutout for it, but then I thought again. What I was really faced with was that I was not popular anymore. I was losing friends in Fresno. Not that they won’t come and go, but people started questioning my intentions. I was being marginalized, then yesterday (before I drove to Coalinga) I met Sheri. I had heard from Sheri a week earlier, and it turned out that we were both waiting to meet each other for many years. I am so relieved to know that the region has more than one champion who recognizes and will fight the good fight.

Now that the interior and exterior road blocks have been recognized, I think I have a better chance at getting past them. I also think that good things (gifts) have a greater chance of getting in. The gifts didn’t take long, they came today!

The first gift was when I received a message from Mandi Perkins who wrote On My Own (Carissa’s Song), which is available now on iTunes. Well, Mandi is releasing her first album soon & is going to promote the song & the cause with BIG help!!! That message was a huge gift. Then just now I received an email from David, the filmmaker. It was a mass email to “Friends of the Film” to announce the documentary’s first big award: Best Short Documentary at the Newport Film Festival!!! It was announced today in the OC Register:
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/best-outstanding-festival-2032909-film-achievement

All this great news makes me want to let go of more garbage and become a bigger better person again and again!!!

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For local supporters…hope to see you on Thursday night! Valley Teen Ranch has some great news too. They are moving forward with an organic farm. The boys will be able to learn about organic gardening, they’ll eat organic, and they’ll learn all about a viable business.

Be sure to call ahead to reserve your seats and if you can’t make it you can definitely call in to pledge your support for the ranch and the organic farm! http://www.valleyteenranch.org/

Week 4: Tuesday — I’m just about feeling better.

I’ve been sick for too long! It turns out that the cold, or flu, or whatever I had turned into a sinus infection, and then I realized when my head was throbbing that I actually have allergies! What a mess. Long story short, I had to go to LA to take a breath of “fresh” air. I just wasn’t breathing here in the valley. It’s a new experience for me and I hope it won’t take too long to get used to it again.

Well besides starting to feel better, I’m also feeling absolutely terrific about having the documentary in the Fresno Film Festival. It was a good turnout, and I loved getting the local feedback, including “best documentary” award. My favorite comment of the day was from a friend from law school who said, “I liked it. I guess I thought it would be more glamorous, but it was honest.”

I liked that comment so much because I know what I look like to everyone else. I look all put together…or at least like I think I have it all put together. I look a little glam sometimes, I do sometimes give full attitude, my laugh alone has been the topic at many dinner parties. I’m not quiet, meek, or hiding from the world. Most of my life I have been pretty proud of that fact…until today.

Today I was going about my “to do” list, getting stuff ready, signing up for review courses for the bar exam, sending emails for outlines, and also corresponding to let people know that I’d be a little out of touch while I was studying. I was moving along fine until I got a phone call that reminded me just how un-glam this life choice really is. I can try to hide behind pretty dresses, make-up, and great lighting, but what this is really about is still very ugly.

Today I realized what my demons were all about. I had been going about the last week feeling great. Many more very good days than bad days, and all of the sudden I could not feel. Not feeling is “normal” for me when it comes to the day-to-day, but I have been trying my best to change that. If you’ve seen the documentary you might remember my personal cam…I think I say something like: “I’m not there yet, but I will be.”

Well, I’m still not THERE yet, but I’m closer. Today could have been a major set-back, but instead when the trigger went off I let the feelings come through. It took a while to realize why I was shutting down, but when I did I was hit with the memory of a woman who witnessed me being raped. She was in the room. Hiding under a blanket. I was 12 years old and she was in her 20’s. I remember thinking that she was faking sleep. She was afraid of him, just as much as I was. I didn’t expect her to get up. I thought it was better if she just stayed sleeping, better for both of us. Those memories ricocheted through my mind, my heart, and I let them. I let myself be sad, and then I was done with it. I never cried about that moment before. It was a lost moment. A moment where both of us were losing a bit of our humanity, and we both knew it, but were restrained from acting. I now more completely understand the moment for what it was…very very human.

Today I know that there is another 12 year old out there, a 13 year old, a 14 year old, and they are facing the ill-est sides of humanity all alone. They hardly have the time, resources, or slightest chance to ever make sense of any of it. I hope we can change that soon…I know one thing is for sure, I still need your help, just like I did then. Even if it is just cheering me on through the bar exam, or sending donations to organizations that save lives, or volunteering in your community. Please do what you can to save generations of the forgotten and overlooked. Remember that I was the kid that was just “too difficult” … please look at kids without judgment and do what Ron did for me: ASK HOW THEY GOT THERE FIRST.